The Simpsons quotes

Ned

[About to pray.] Heavenly Father, I...

Quiet you! Your next divine whack job is a twofer. I command you to kill Patty and Selma Bouvier.

Ned

Patty and Selma? Sure they smoke and they don't shave much of anything. But do they deserve to die?

Do not question me, the star of the Bible! [We pan back to see Homer with his voice-changing machine.] Now, on a non-murder related note. I want you to find out what's making that funny noise in Homer Simpson's car. It goes chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, chigga, but you only hear it when you drive over 30 and you never hear it when you take it to the shop. [Homer's God voice comes through a speaker in Ned's Bible.] Then, it sounds perfect.

Ned

Yes, Lord.

Homer

Wake up, Flanders. There is no Hell and there is no God. If they're were, would he let him do this? [grabs a lighter to burn the Bible]

God

[breaks the ceiling] Why, you little...! [strangles Homer; he dies]

Lisa

Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room.

Homer

I won't say, but his initials are S.F.

Stupid Flanders!

Homer

You're my personal savior.

Ned

Thank you, but I don't approve...

Homer

Hail Flanders, mightier than Jesus.

Homer

She's the most evil person to come out of Ohio since LeBron. But at least he thought long and hard before screwing everybody over. In public. For no reason.

Hello, Miss Wyoming. I'll have to climb your Grand Tetons to another night.

[after receiving Frink's call] WHY WON'T HE LOVE ME!? [cries on her bed]

Homer

If an emergency alarm goes off, there's ear plugs in the top drawer.

Homer

Marge, get my seal club, the big one!

Bart

To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.

I really need that cootie shot, my dog and I accidentally touched tongues.

Bart

How is this accidentally when it's the fifth time?

Homer

I've come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.

Krusty

Krustyland has a new ride, the Eyeballs of Death. It only passed the safety by a 3 to 2 vote. And that third didn't come cheap.

Homer

I don't eat anything new unless I've eaten it before.