Nelson Muntz quotes from The Simpsons

Haw-haw! This taco had a mom.

Bart

[daydream begins] Okay, Nelson. Put up your dukes! [a big shadow looms over him] Whaaaa! [runs into a school hall and closes the door, getting punched by a big hand, Nelson stomps the door down] Yikes! [throws a knives at Nelson, as he drags them off]

Ha, ha, ha! [Bart grabs a machine gun and fires at Nelson] Ha, ha, ha!

Bart

Oh! [throws a machine gun at Nelson, who catches and eats it whole. He screams as he runs up some stairs, which he's followed by Nelson, the stairs stops at a dead end and Nelson is about to pick him up] Uh-oh.

Mmmmmm, lunchtime! Ha, ha, ha! Lunchtime!

Lunchtime, Bart. It's lunchtime.

Bart

I ain't gonna get out of the fourth grade alive.

You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Bart

Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."

That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Bart

Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.

Martin

Hey...

He's not dead, is he Bart?

Bart

Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.

Very good, Bart. Thank you.

Bart

Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.

Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.

Uh, I have a horsey.

Wuss!

Hey, what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner

[appears] Sorry about the ruse, gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy. [closes the door and locks them in]

How are we going to get out of here?

And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

Principal Skinner

[outside of the room] Would the world judge me harshly if I threw away the key?

Groundskeeper Willie

Nay, but the PTA would tear you a new arse.

Principal Skinner

Wise counsel, William, but the potty talk adds nothing.

Willie

Aye, sir. [under his breath] Ye bath-takin', underpants-wearin', lily-hugger.

Are you sure this is the place? I think I should call my manager.

Your manager says for you to shut up!

[surprised] Vera said that?

Bart

[horrified] The burglar even took my stamp collection!

Lisa

[amused] You had a stamp collection?

[on the phone] Stamp collection? Ha-ha!

Lisa

[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer

[breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart

Ay, caramba!

Marge

[groans]

Maggie

[sucks her pacifier]

Flanders

Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney

[belches]

Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns

Excellent.

Lisa

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]

Homer

What kind of catchphrase is that?

Bart

I'm telling you, I do work on the Krusty show. Look at the Credits! [presses "play"]

Krusty

Bye bye, kids! [laughs] [credits roll, then after a few seconds they are squeezed for a news promo]

Kent Brockman

I'm Kent Brockman. On the 11:00 news tonight, a certain kind of soft drink has been found to be lethal. We won't tell you which one after sports and the weather with Funny Sonny Storm.

Bart

[Pausing the tape and pointing to his name on the screen] There's my name, right here, Bart Simpson.

Looks more like Brad Storch.

Martin

No, it says Betty. Betty Symington.

[Punching Bart in the stomach] That's for taking credit for other people's work.

I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Mr. Burns

I specifically said no geeks!

[dejected] But my mom says I'm cool...

Mr. Burns

Next!

Give me your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Mr. Burns

Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Martin Prince

[Singing] Clang, clang, clang went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring went the bell! Zing, zing, zing went my heartstrings--

Mr. Burns

Thank you. Give the bully an extra point.

Lisa

[clears throat] I propose to you that your heir not need be a boy. In this phallocentric society of ours -

Mr Burns

I don't know what 'phallocentric' means, but no girls!

[offstage, in a dress and wig] So much for Plan B.

Hey Bart, your epidermis is showing!

Bart

It is? [Bart looks in vain for the problem, only to overbalance and fall from the treehouse, then screams with a girlish scream]

[talking to Kearney as Bart plummets] You see, "epidermis" means your hair. [Bart lands with a thud] So technically it's true; that's what makes it so funny. Pardon me a moment. Ha ha!

Hey Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.

I said, "Ha, ha."

[beating up Bart] This is for wasting teacher's valuable time!

Lisa

[punches Jimbo, pulls his shirt half over his head] Lay off, guys! He's with me.

[points at Bart] It's a lucky coincidence you happen to be your sister's brother.

Lisa

Don't worry, Bart, they won't bother you any more.

Skinner

I hardly ever let Mother fight for me any more! [laughs]

Sorry, Bart, I'm going to hang out with Lisa...for protection...and to be seen!

Bart

Oh, no, it's PE signup day!

Lisa

[in a hockey uniform similar to the one she wore on Apu's team and has an increased interest in hockey] How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library.

Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up [gets kicked by Nelson] --oof!

So did Tae Kwon Do.

No Homer, I won't make fun, but I will suggest there may be better things in life than seeing a man get hit in the groin, with a football. (BWOING!!)

[offscreen] HA-HA!

Martin

Okay, piglet, start squealing. Where'd you get the lemons for this lemonade?

Uh...this is Country Time lemonade mix. There's never been anything close to a lemon in it, I swear!

Hey, nobody hassles my little brother.

Martin

Hey! And no one manhandles the bosom chum of Nelson Muntz! Spring forth, burly protector, and save me!

Aww, geez. I never hang out with him, normally.

Martin

[skips around Nelson] Hark to the tale of Nelson...

Martin

They remain the best of friends for years and years and years.