TV show quotes
[during flashback]
[singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto
He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride
'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside
In the ghetto, in the ghetto
Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
What did you say?
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!
What did you say?!
[after flashback]
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?
Maybe, we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?
I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.
We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!
But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!
Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
[Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]
RAAGH!!
Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Well then... then let me go with you.
Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...
Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!
Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...
GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!
Let me have the tape!
No, we have to return it! [all leave]
My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....
[the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]
I shall put a magic spell on you!
I blocked your spell, wizard.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
We're playing Harry Potter.
[slight pause]
HA!!! FAGS!!!
And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
Oh, God! This-this is horrible!
All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?
I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!
It's that bad?
Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.
[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!
I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.
[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
We're sorry!
Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!
All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
[beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?
Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
It was Backdoor Sluts 9.
Oh Jesus, not that one!!
[to advancing 6th-graders] YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA...YOU SHALL NOT P... [gets run over] ...p...p...pass.
Go ahead and play Harry Butt-hole Pussy Potter!
I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.
TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!
But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.
Hi, kids. Hm.
So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.
[whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.
Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?
No, it was Kenny!
Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!
I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.
Say, Mr. Slave...
Yes, Mr. Garrison?
I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.
Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
No, no. I was the asshole.
[school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]
[slightly nonplussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.
[school board applaud again]
[whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.
[singing] I've got a little-- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the heck's happening in there?
[in Mr. Slave's stomach]
[to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!
[back up top]
Aah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]
Courageous.
So courageous.
[finally losing his temper] God damn it, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!
I'll take three lunches today, please.
You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!
It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.
Tolerance kicks ass!
[everyone laughs]
That's our Cartman.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
