South Park quotes

[lisping] Oh Jesuth Chrith!

Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"--

Kyle

Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.

Stan

Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?

Yes. I'm afraid he's… Running out of time.

Why, what's wrong with him?

It's his time, it's running out.

Well, what does he need?

He needs to have more time.

What can we do?

Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant… I'll have to call in a specialist.

But, I'm a psychic.

Stan

No, dude. You're a douche.

I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?

Stan

Then you're a stupid douche.

I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.

Stan

I'm 9 years old.

I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm going to call the police!

Stan

You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!

You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!

Stan

I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.

Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?

Stan

Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!

Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.

My Harry died last year.

Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, woo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?

They did involve stuff, yes!

Ah, yes!

Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is... a stapler. And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.

Rob Schneider is a Wall Street Executive with everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become... a carrot!

I'm a carrot!

It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.

Rob Schneider derp DE derp. Derp DE derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp. Derp DE derp, Ta tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB". Rated PG-13.

Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast [record scratch] and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy. And he's about to find out that being 8 isn't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.

[in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman] God damn it! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!

Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!

Cartman

Hey, guys! How's it going?

Cartman?

Stan

No, that's Kenny.

Cartman

What the hell are you assholes doing here?

Stan

That's Cartman.

Well, I guess the child's a pot roast now.

Weak!

Cartman

[laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.

Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!

Stan

He seemed a lot better on TV?

...Yeah.