We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?
The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!
But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!
Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!
[Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]
Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!
Well then... then let me go with you.
Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.
Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...
Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!
Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...
GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!
No, we have to return it! [all leave]
My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....
[the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]
K1Kid 1
I shall put a magic spell on you!
K2Kid 2
I blocked your spell, wizard.
Hey, what are you guys doing?
K1Kid 1
We're playing Harry Potter.
[slight pause]
And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.
Oh, God! This-this is horrible!
All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?
I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.
GCGerald/Chris
BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!
Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!
I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.
[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!
I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.
[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!
Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.
Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!
I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?
[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!
BMr. Black
All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.
Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's vagina. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.
[beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?
BMr. Black
Jesus, what kind of porno was that?
BMr. Black
Oh Jesus, not that one!!
