TV show quotes
[as Melancholy stops and shits on the ground] Butters! Butters, what the hell are you doing?!
Well, I don't know!
You have to learn to control!
[clicks tongue] Come on, Melancholy, come on!
[Melancholy's boner sticks out with a slide whistle sound effect]
[disgusted] Ewww!
Butters, what the hell is that?!
What is what? [looks down at the boner; disgusted] Oh, geez! Put that thing away, Melancholy!
[pointing a gun in the back of Mr. Mackey's head] What are you doing here?
Don't shoot. I-I'm just the school counselor. [turns around] Mr. Stotch?
Mr. Mackey? What the hell are you doing here?!
What the hell are you doing here?
I'll ask the questions, I've got the gun!
[arrives at his old childhood home and knocks on the door before his mother answers] Hi, Mom.
[joyfully] Well, hi, junior! What a surprise, m'kay!
Mom, I need to use something in my old room.
Well, sure, come on in! [they walk up to Mr. Mackey's old bedroom] Everything is still just as you left it, son.
Mom, I think World War 3 is about to start. I'm gonna do what I can to protect our country!
Oh, uh, m'kay, honey, I'll make you a snack.
[enters Mr. Mackey's room, holding a tray] Here's your Sunny Delight and Steak-umms, honey.
[indignantly] Get outta my room, Mom, God! Get outta my room!
[worried] Sweetheart... are you m'kay?"
[stops and thinks] Of course I'm not m'kay... you wouldn't understand cause you're a grown-up!
Honey... as your mother, I want you to know you can talk to me about whatever you want. Even if it's about being scared of getting old.
[realizes what she's saying, stops what he's doing, turns around to face her, sighs heavily] Things used to be so much simpler, mama. There was a good guy and a-and a bad guy And we all... sort of came together and loved our country... not like it is now.
[grabs a stool and brings it closer to him to sit down] Ooh, junior. I know gettin' old isn't so much fun, is it? We all wanna go back to a time when we were younger. You're getting to be around 55. Your pee-pee doesn't work so good, does it?
How'd you know about that, mom?
We'll I'm your mom, honey. When a man gets to a point where his pee-pee doesn't work the way it used to, he starts to...well, sit in his room and play war games again, you know? But honey, those times weren't better. We were all scared. People died. That's not something to strive to get back to.
You're right, mama. I've been bad.
Oh, you're not bad-
No, I'm bad-
No, no, sweetheart It-it just felt good cause it was familiar. That's just sort of what us old people do.
[Kyle walks to the front door as the doorbell rings, answers it, seeing his teenager, Trevor, with his mother]
Are you Kyle?
Yeah.
I'm here to drop off Trevor. He said he is your teenager now.
Yeah, that's right!
Okay. Well, good luck.
What time are you picking me up?
Just gimme a call… Don't make it too soon, though, because I am going to relax.
Fine, go ahead, I'm glad! Go away, I don't wanna see your stupid fucking face!
[Stan's phone rings in the middle of the night]
Oh, my God. You gotta be shitting me. [answers phone] Yeah, hello?
[clicking a lighter] I'm not gay.
Wh-what?
Why'd you call me gay? Like, what the hell do you know? You don't even fucking know me!
[Stan, Cartman, and Kenny are watching Kyle and Tolkien's TikTok video on Stan's phone, all perplexed]
What the fuck is this? Seriously, what the fuck is this? You guys notice that Kyle and Tolkien are doing everything together, lately?
Yeah, they're quite the little team, aren't they?
Hey, Stan. Guess what? I have some good news for you.
What?
A little magic fairy told me that you and Kyle are gonna get back together soon.
I don't care that Kyle is making TikToks with Tolkien.
Yes, you do. But don't worry, Stan. It's almost Valentine's Day. And the little angel on my shoulder says that Kyle is gonna come running back to you any minute!
[approaching Kyle and Tolkien with Scott] Hey, Kyle, you got a minute?
Yeah, what's up?
Well, there's this rumor starting to go around the school. Kids are saying it like… I don't know, like, you run Hollywood.
What?
I told Scott that's just people being dumb and he shouldn't listen to stuff like that. But…Scott and I do have this sweet movie idea about a dude who has guns for hands and we have the first 20 pages written, so… You don't really run Hollywood, right?
[angrily] I'm not even going to justify that with a response. Because repeating a derogatory slur, even for the purpose of refuting it, can make stupid people think it's valid! [storms off]
Holy shoot. Kyle runs Hollywood.
Kyle runs Hollywood, and you fucked up the pitch!
How'd I frack up the pitch?!
You gotta tell him what the stakes are! People who make movies, they just care about the stakes!
The guy has guns for hands!
[Later, in the principal's office…]
[confronting Cartman] Mr. Cartman, did you or did you not tell students at this school that Kyle runs Hollywood?
I think I did say that, yes.
And why would you say such an intolerant, offensive thing like that?!
[shrugs] Somebody runs Hollywood.
[irritated] Lots of people run Hollywood!
Yes, lots of… people like Kyle.
Mr. Cartman, you are a dangerous frickin' ground here, buddy!
Okay, wait, wait, cut. Hang on. Let's try it again. I think you forgot the words.
Yeah, sorry. I'm just tired. I didn't get the best sleep last night. Maybe I should do the mom part.
Nah, you do the kid part, it's funnier.
Okay, yeah. I guess you call the shots.
What's that supposed to mean?
Just means you're in charge.
Oh, I'm in charge. Like I control things? Huh, are you gonna start saying I run Hollywood now too?
I didn't say I run Hollywood. And honestly, I'm getting kind of sick of hearing it.
You're sick of hearing it?
Yeah, I'm sick of hearing it.
[as Cartman watches them argue from behind the bushes, smiling] Oh, my God, are you listening to yourself? You of all people should have some compassion.
Oh, really? Why me of all people, Kyle?
You seriously don't know why? You know that Jews have stood alongside Blacks since the Civil Rights movement began, right?
What does that have to do with anything?
I'm just saying I thought you'd be a better friend. 'Cause you're like…
'Cause I'm like what? Black?
Oh my God, this is so awesome.
Whatever, Tolkien. Now you're gonna act like I somehow did something wrong to you.
No, you didn't do it to me. It just seems to work out that way all the time for you people.
You people?! No, it works that way for you people!
You know what?! I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
I don't wanna make TikToks with you anymore!
Good!
Good!
[They both angrily go their separate ways]
What are you waiting for? Let's jack up these mofos!
Holy shit!
What the heck is that?!
[off-screen] CUPID YE!!! [the kids all turn around and stare at him; shaking a bottle of pills] Time to take your meds.
[answering the phone] Park Country Police Station. What's your emergency?
[on the phone] Yeah, the neighbors across the street are setting off fireworks and it's 10:30 at night!
Oh, is it the Prince of Canada and his wife, who just want to be left alone?
Yes! They're being super loud, and I'm trying to work on my brand! [looks outside from his window] Oh, God damn it, now the prince is playing polo on the lawn!
Wow, Kyle, you seem really different.
Do you like it?
Uh, sure.
Thanks, Jimmy. But you know, I really need to thank a good friend. He introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person. Have you seen Butters?
Butters? Oh, sure. He's out on the playground, getting the shit beat out of him by Bebe.
What?!
[Outside on the playground, all the kids gather around, watching Bebe beating up Butters to a bloody pulp]
[savagely] MOTHER… FUCKER! DON'T EVER SAY THAT SHIT AGAIN!
[runs up] Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! [breaks up the fighting] What the hell is going on?!
I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up and started talking shit to me!
Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive, so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.
WHO DO YOU EVEN THINK YOU ARE?!
You want some more of this, you dumb slut?!
Butters, what are you doing?! This isn't you!
Hey, Kyle, will you relax? You're kinda fucking up my brand.
Okay, that does it-- come on, Butters. You're going back to CumHammer.
You're lucky he saved your ass!
Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
[Tegridy Farms; Shelley, Stan, and Randy are all in the living room as Shelley is on her phone while Stan watches Randy play Hogwarts Legacy]
See, Stan? You gotta choose if wanna be in Gryffindor or Slytherin.
Yeah, can I do it?
Yeah, see, you gotta fight these fairy guys.
[entering] Randy? Randy! The powder room toilet is broken…again!
Did you jiggle the handle?
Yes, I jiggled the handle! Will you come fix this, please?!
Okay, okay. [gets up from the sofa and enters the powder room to try and fix the toilet] Huh, well, let's see. It's gotta be the little black floaty thingy. [to Sharon] What'd you do to it?
I didn't do anything.
Let me see if there's water in the bowl… [starts to open the lid]
[quickly closes it] No! Don't lift the lid!
[smirking] Why can't I lift the lid?
Don't, Randy!
Uh-huh. [peeks out the door; to his kids] Hey, guys! Your mom took a shit and doesn't want me to see it!
[disgusted] Ew!
Gross, Dad!
Randy, we need to get a new toilet.
We can't just get rid of Ol' Blue, Sharon.
This is embarrassing. It's the powder room toilet, the one guests use! You get a new toilet, Randy, or I'm not helping you sell weed anymore! [walks out]
Alright, alright, Sharon, you win. As usual.
[as the Japanese toilet is being installed in the powder room] That's the new toilet? How much did it cost?
Oh, Sharon. Tenn-ish.
What's tenn-ish?
Tenn-ish. Thousand-ish. Ten thousand-ish.
[shocked in anger] You spent $10,000 on a toilet?! We don't have that kind of money, Randy!
Yeah, we do.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
