[The adults are having brunch with Randy at the table while Stephen tries out the new Japanese toilet in the powder room]
If you think about it, a dry piece of toilet paper can't clean your half as well as pressurized water. I feel that most people have to walk around with fecal matter on their anus, but I'm just lucky I've sold enough weed to be able not to. But was it really luck? Or was it hard work? Heck, I don't know, but you know--
[barging into the kitchen] Dad, can I talk to you?!
Stan? You're back from school already?
I need to talk to you right now! [they enter Randy's office; closes the door] The fuck are you doing?!
You need to stop gloating to everybody!
Yes, you are, and now kids at school are calling me Richie Rich!
Nobody cares about your stupid toilet and you're acting like a jerk!
You're stupid. I'm acting like a jerk because I'm trying to help people?!
How are you trying to help people, Dad?
Because the people don't know that these toilets are awesome, and I'm just, like, the well-respected guy who's trying to open people's eyes like JFK.
You are not like JFK! You're just showing off!
Nuh-uh, I'm like JFK 'cause I am trying to change things! You're part of a very respected family, Stan. You should start acting like it.
[Hell's Pass Hospital; The Marshes are sitting in the Waiting Room as the doctor comes to see them for on an update on Randy after he was shot by an unknown assailant]
DDoctor
I'm sorry, but he's in critical condition.
DDoctor
He's in a coma. He's unconscious and just blabbering nonsense.
[lying down in a hospital bed; blabbering weakly] Bikkuri… Bikkurishita... Taihen deshou...
Hey, Clyde, can I talk to you?
Well, um, Wendy just came up to me and was acting all hurt 'cause she think I don't care about her.
[closes his locker] Uh-huh.
And she said that she wishes I would reply to her texts the way that Clyde responds to Bebe's. So, like… how do you do it?
Yeah, dude, there's a bunch of apps and programs you can subscribe to that use OpenAI to do all your writing for you. People use 'em to write poems, write job applications, but what they're really good for is dealing with chicks. Here. Check it out. There's tons of ChatGPT apps for your phone. So, then I can take whatever latest dumb thing Bebe texted me, I copy it, then I open the GPT app, click "respond to," paste her text here, hit "write." It just thinks for a second. "You would look great with any length of hair! Trying a new look could be fun." Copy that into messages and send it off. It's super easy and convenient and it saves me a ton of time because she texts me so goddamn much. [his phone buzzes, getting another text from Bebe] Jesus Christ! [reads her text] "I probably won't do it, but thanks for being supportive." Cut. Paste. Write. Cut. Messages. Paste. Send. There. [copy and pastes Bebe's latest text, responding, "No problem! I'm glad you feel supported whether you do it or not."] All done with her stupid shit.
It'll completely change your life, bro.
[Mr. Garrison's residence; Rick is cooking up dinner while Mr. Garrison is grading essays]
Ugh. Ugh, God, I can't take it, Rick!
Oh, it's just grading these stupid papers all the time! I have to read 'em all and comment on each one of them. Jesus Christ. Something's changed, and now a few of the kids are writing these really long, detailed essays. I don't know what's going on. I guess I've just taught them really well, maybe a bit too well.
Butters, what the hell are you wearing?
I got a job over at the ice cream shop! Well, guess what? I got my very first paycheck.
That's not fair. I want a paycheck.
My dad told me if I got a job, we could put my paycheck in my very own bank account.
I didn't know kids could get jobs.
This is going to be the best restaurant in Colorado, Kenny. And I know exactly what we should name it.
Tom, I'm standing out front of a Colorado icon, the old Coney Island Hot Dog, where the owners plan to reopen soon. The hot dog stand is going through major renovations and the new name has just been announced, DikinBaus Hot Dogs is sure to be a big hit here in town.
[McCormick residence; Cartman and Kenny are watching the news and burst out laughing at the new restaurant name]
[laughing] He said it! We got him to say dick and balls!
[holding a plate with a hot dog] The owners say they're planning on all kinds of rides and games. And also, with each hot dog served here at DikinBaus Hot Dogs, they actually use the ketchup to put a nice little smiley face on the plate. It's just their sort of trademark touch. The renovations are supposed to be finished soon and the new owners are inviting everyone to come on down, enjoy, and let DikinBaus put a smile on your buns.
Are you guys just playing around?
No, we are renovating and opening an amazing restaurant that will be extremely profitable.
Then why did you name it DikinBaus?
Butters, you are the investor. We are the creatives.
Well, stop being creative and open the goddamn restaurant so I can get my money back.
[mocking Butters] "So stop dicking around and wasting my money." Butters, at DikinBaus, dicking around is all we do, dicking around the competition.
[Stotch residence; Butters returns home from work, exhausted, and finds his parents in the living room]
[annoyed with his arms crossed] Back from work, Butters?
You must be so tired from selling all that ice cream.
Well, yeah, it was a pretty long night.
[to Linda] A long night, he says. [back to his son] That's great, Butters. Only problem is, if you're really working at a job, then why is there… [takes out Butters' paycheck] $0 in your bank account?!
[Linda starts weeping]
[shocked with horror] What?!
So now what are you really doing, young man?
$0?! But I've been working every day! (That's impossible!)
Oh, sure. I know exactly how it is. You say you have to work so you can get out of the house, get away from the family and you go down to that glory hole down on Fourth and Larimer.
[in tears] Oh, my God, Butters!
And while your family thinks you're at your job, you're actually strapped facedown on a bed at the Brighton Motel, taking any load you can find on Adult FriendFinder. It's the lies! It's the lies! I can't take it anymore! [runs to the front door] I'm going to the office and get some work done! [walks out the door and leaves]
[enraged] That son of a gun!
BBenny
Well, congratulations, young man. DikinBaus Hot Dogs is a big success and here's your first return on your investment. [gives Butters his paycheck] I'm sure there's many more to come.
Oh, I made my money back, huh?
BBenny
Now what I'm thinking, Butters, is that we should grow your business by applying for a corporate loan, which could pay you dividends as you expand the company into new areas.
Yeah, I wasn't thinking that. See, all I ever wanted was just to do my job, learn how to work, and help Mr. Sullivan sell ice cream. So, I'm thinking I'm actually going to conduct a market analysis to look for potential buyers and roll over the company as an exit strategy.
BBenny
Well, you could do that but I think you'd have trouble getting investors who will commit major capital for just partial ownership.
Yeah. So that's why I want to approach overseas investors who will buy the IP, the restaurant operations, and the real estate outright.
BBenny
But you couldn't do that because there's already tenants in the building who have to be relocated.
Yeah, I thought of that too. Come on in.
BBenny
Wait, so you two have already discussed some kind of deal?
Oh, yes. Butters and I have been talking, and we think that my little Eric deserves to get exactly what he's been wanting for a long time.
[As Liane and her son move back to their old house…]
There you go, Eric. It's your old room just like you always wanted.
[sobbing in protest] But I hate this stupid house! I don't want to be here! I want to be in DIKINBAUS!!! DikinBaus is awesome! This place sucks! PLEASE!! [Liane leaves as he tearfully hyperventilates] I want--I WANT--DIKIN...BAAAUUUUSS!!!! I want my DikinBaus! DIKINBAUS! DIKINBAAAUUUS!!!!!
[Sharon and Shelley have all their stuff packed in the car for their Santa Fe spring break trip, leaving Randy and Stan alone together]
Alright, guys, you sure you packed everything?
Yeah, that should be all of it.
Well, I hope you and Shelley have a great spring break trip.
I still feel bad, us going on a trip while you and Stan stay home.
You guys have fun in Santa Fe. We're going to do some dad-and-son stuff. Goodbye, Shelley! Have fun! I'll miss you!
There should be food enough to last you the week.
Yes, yes, don't worry. We'll be fine.
Aww, yeah! Bitches are gone! [strips in his underwear] Spring break! Spring break! Spring break! This is gonna be the best spring break ever! They're gonna be gone the whole week! Bro, what are you doing?
[painting board-game miniatures on the coffee table] I'm painting miniatures.
Painting min… Dude, do you not understand? Your mom and Shelley are gone! We can do whatever we want without any stupid rules!
Yeah, dude! That's what this is all about! Let's do some spring break shit!
Can I see if any of the guys wanna come over to do "40k" all week?
Hell, yeah, let's do some "40k". What is that?
You don't know "Warhammer 40k"?
Oh, yeah, "Warhammer 40k", of course. I'm down. Let's do it.
Yeah, dude! You're old enough.
Sweet, I'm gonna call Tolkien!
MPMale Partygoer
[opened the door] Can I help you?
FPFemale Police Officer
We've had some complaints about a party that's been going on for three days here.
Hey, what's going on? Alright guys, who ordered the stripper?
FPFemale Police Officer
Can we come in and look around, sir?
Oh, yeah! Come on in! [smacks her in the buttocks] Honk, honk!
FPFemale Police Officer
All right, get down on the ground!
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no. It's okay. I'm just helping my boy through the media assault on manliness.
FPFemale Police Officer
[tazes Randy and handcuffs him] I need to see some ID, sir.
Ah! Okay, okay! Stan! Stan!
Can you get my wallet from upstairs?
Yeah, as soon as we're done with this psyker phase. I have five psyker units.
Oh, my God. This is so embarrassing!
[pounding on the door of Mr. Garrison's house as he and the angry mob show up] Come on out, you piece of shit! We're un-electing you! [kicks the door down and he and the mob enter, and find Mr. Garrison and Rick sitting on the sofa in the living room, watching White Lotus on the TV]
What the hell do you think you're doing, Garrison?!
Oh, so you haven't been looting the country and ruling by fear like some middle-eastern tinpot dictator?!
No, I've been sitting here watching White Lotus with Rick.
