[greets each resident as they enter the mansion] Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.
[to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.
Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West Mister.
I know what you're all thinking but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.
[cut to his office where we find out that the Mayor-O-Matic 5000 consists of a tape recorder, a broom, and a paper plate with a face drawn on it]
MOMayor-O-Matic
Take a letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.
DSDiane Simmons
Well, it's a shame that you have to die, Lois. But look on the bright side, you'll be a story on the 6 o'clock news. You know, unless a local cat does something funny.
Diane, please, please don’t do this! I won't tell anybody, I swear to God!
DSDiane Simmons
That's right, you won't. Goodbye, Lois.
[Diane is then sniped from behind and she falls off a cliff to her death, screaming.]
Hello? Is anyone there? Whoever you are, thank you.
[As Lois walks away, Stewie is revealed to be the shooter.]
If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.
Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.
Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, you...you're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.
You want to know what I think is happening here?
Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.
I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
Oh, please, you could not be more off base.
Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?
Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.
Mm-hm, what about Slumdog Millionaire?
Overrated. Just a terrible movie.
Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.
[Rush has persuaded Brian to go back to the Griffins]
Does this mean I'll never see you again?
RRush
Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too. Oh, yes, I will be around.
Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.
Oh my God! [Carter and his whore gasp in shock] Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?! Ewww!
No, no, this is my sister!
I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself!
[Camera zooms through Peter's mouth to vocal cords, where a few employees suck up the word "EWWW" in a pipe.]
E1Employee 1
We need more e's and w's down here now!
E2Employee 2
We're trying, we're running out of letters!
E3Employee 3
Just turn the m's upside down and send 'em down here!
E2Employee 2
You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can--
E3Employee 3
I don't care, I'll take the heat. Just turn 'em over and send 'em down!
[Connie and her friends wait impatiently outside the closet for those inside who are making out]
CConnie
[knocks] C'mon, you guys. It's been well over 7 minutes. [knocks again] Let's go! Other people wanna use the closet!
[she opens the door]
[she and her friends suddenly react to what they see]
[Meg and Chris, out of costume, are kissing in their underwear in the closet; they suddenly stop when they notice that they are being watched, then look at each other nervously]
[both scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! What are you doing here?!
Tryin' to grab some boob!
I didn't know it was you!
Well, who did you think it was?!
[coughs] OH, MY GOD! Oh! WE DID SO MUCH!
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
WE'RE DISGUSTING! WE'RE A DISGRACE TO OUR FAMILY!
MDMan dressed as Clinton
[in his underpants] Ah! Maybe I can get in on this!
[Stewie and Brian are at Floyd Wetherton's house to trick or treat]
[rings the doorbell] Trick or treat!
[Floyd opens the door]
Well, the thing about Halloween is that t-the candy corn is not p-particularly unusually cause of the determinant factor of timeless tradition in is in contrast to the Turkey Day. [sets down a lamp] Gesundheit. [closes the door]
[Peter, Joe and Quagmire are all in a Japanese Zero with Quagmire flying it. Joe and Peter admire the view from above]
Whoa! Quahog looks beautiful from up here!
Yeah, this thing handles pretty smooth, doesn't it? Feels right. [loses his smile] Feels like... something I was kinda meant to fly, y'know?
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor!
[Some naval vessels are shown]
Look at all those old naval vessels!
Yeah... look at them all... [suddenly, he starts taking the plane to fly downward]
Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire. What are you doin'?
I dunno, Peter. It feels like... something just awakened inside me. I can feel my grandfather's Japanese blood coursing through my veins... [lowers the lever to take the plane down faster, scaring the crap out of Joe and Peter]
[scared] QUAGMIRE, WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?
[also scared] WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS!?
Shut up, round eye! [makes the plane do barrel rolls]
OH MY GOD, STOP, QUAGMIRE, I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!
帝国空軍の誇りと名誉、俺の先祖のために俺は逝くぞ！万歳！！！ (I DO THIS FOR THE HONOR OF THE IMPERIAL AIR FORCE AND FOR MY HONORABLE ANCESTORS; BANZAI!)
[The Japanese Zero is near a naval vessel's plane landing pad, getting ready to crash it. Peter and Joe scream in horror.]
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS IN MY COUNTRY!?
[Quagmire lifts the lever up and avoids hitting the ship. The trio continue their ride as they ride across the ocean. Peter and Joe are completely scared crapless out of what happened. They take deep breaths.]
PRANK'S ON YOU, (censored)! I'm not Japanese!
No! THAT WAS FOR MAKING ME HAVE SEX WITH JOE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!
[turns to Joe, surprised] You guys actually had sex?
Yeah, I kinda went rouge with that one.
Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm going to be joined by a horribly-disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?
Ah, I think that they're... they're gonna have, they're gonna be fighting D-Diedre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be b-better than usually.
And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?
Well, uh, the match lasting about u-up until the particular inaccuracy, p-particular unusually t-that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, heart of a champion, margarine hat.
Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd, and happy 23rd birthday.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round 6, the round that Deidre Jackson predicted she would kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd? Is she gonna make good on that promise?
A broken promise, i-is a lot like a child's pinwheel. You have to b-be yourself, or at least within the confines.
[Tom knods in agreement] Alright, well, let's see what's going on in the ring.
Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.
[cut to the main office of Penguin Publishing; a writer talks to a penguin]
PPenguin
You wanna get a book published, don't you?
PPenguin
Well, if you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.
[he smiles, and both he and the writer stare at the camera and each other]
HHuffington
I think that this is simple exploitation of the American people who would be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful like legitimate health care that they actually need.
[applause]
You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa?
[laughter]
HHuffington
What is your problem, Snoopy?
[laughter]
