[after Lois walks in on Brian and Stewie watching the director's cut of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, which features Willy Wonka as a pedophile]
Huh, this one's wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: This one too. [walks to another seat]: Also wet. [looks at the seat next to her]: Huh, this one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.
Okay, Chris, I think you'll be a great assistant. Your paperwork appears to be in order, but before we get started, do you own a pair of rubber boots that you'd have to wear if you worked on a fishing boat?
Well, it certainly isn't easy being in a family that also happens to star in a sitcom together. Especially last year when I discovered those naked pictures of that 18-year-old intern on Peter's phone, but he explained that his phone number was the old number of her ex-boyfriend, so ... what was it again? ... So, the cloud. That's right. So, the photos were on the cloud and the cloud pulled the pictures uh ... I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him and that's why he has them and we both called the Apple store and they said that they can't disprove that it doesn't happen and so, here we are. Still married. Still on the show and it's happened five times since then some of the pictures have both Peter and the girl in them.
Oh, yeah. It's great, you know, doing the show with your family, cuz what guy doesn't want to go to his office and have his family there? You know, and then you go home after work and catch up with the family, [progressively gets more depressed as he keeps talking] and then next day same thing. Just trying to make it through the weekend, so you can uh ... spend some time with the family ... Isn't that the dream?
[talking to Taylor Swift] Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles. Now, you don't have to say anything. I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure, and you indicate when I should stop. Okay, here I go. [Stewie starts pulling out the tape measure] Still going ... still going ... Oh my God, you bitch! Seriously?
Don't worry, Chris, I'll get rid of it. It'll be a piece of cake. Just like my penis enhancement. [cutaway to Peter at the doctor's office] I want it to hang down to my knees. [Peter leaves the building, with extremely short legs] They moved up my knees.
