BBart
Eat my shorts!
"Eat my shorts". I love that. Is that a popular expression like "what the deuce"?
Probably more popular.
S13The Simpsons Guy
Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
MMarge
And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.
Alright Peter. If we're gonna find your car, we've got to think like a car. So let's fill up at that gas station.
[Cut to the two getting wasted after trying to "fill up" by drinking gasoline.]
I feel sick...
Keep drinking! I prepaid 40 bucks!
H-Homer Maybe we're doing this wrong.
[They see a woman using a gas pump to fuel a car. They realize.]
Oh crap.
[They begin to take off their pants. Cut to a Germany adult store named Video Erötich.]
Haben Sie Homer und Peter mit Chevron pump? (Have you got Homer and Peter with the Chevron pump?)
[Clerk points to a shelf of porn videos which is revealed to be "Gassensexen" Starring Homer and Peter.]
[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]
That's pretty good, right?
No.
Huh?
It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff!
Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.
No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse!
Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood!
MMoe
[takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. [Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath] Huh?!
[gasps] IT IS DUFF! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!
Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great.
[gasps] Duff is an ICON!
Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but, I haven't even had it in 13 years.
[Blue-Haired Lawyer appears]
BHBlue-Haired Lawyer
Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement.
Ah-ha! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that, Griffin?!
D'oh!
CBComic Book Guy
Worst chicken fight ever.
S13The Book of Joe
Come on, Joe. You can't be afraid, What if Bono had been afraid to wear sunglasses? Then nobody would know about Africa.
Was someone wearing my new high heels?
You dick.
S13Baking Bad
Lois! Lois! Mommy!
Stewie, what's going on? You should be asleep by now.
I can't sleep, Brian. Where's the woman? I need her to read me a bedtime story.
Oh, she's busy with the blood drive. Maybe I can help. [grabs a book] How about I read you this one? It's called "Apathetic George". [reads the book] "George used to be a curious monkey, but after a month in captivity, all he did was wait for food. The zoo people wanted him to mate, but he lost interest in that, too. Twenty years and millions of dollars in zoo revenue later, he died."
Okay, I've had enough.
All right, you know what? I know something that will help you sleep. Wait here.
Well, I hope so, because I've tried everything. Counting sheep and thinking sleepy thoughts. I even hired the Sandman.
[Cutaway to the said guy throwing sand all over Stewie]
Sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night!
MMosquito
Hi, I'm the new nurse.
Get outta here. The blood's not for you.
MMosquito
Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again.
S13Brian the Closer
My teeth!
Oh! Oh, man! I'm real sorry about your mouth, Brian.
[injured because of Peter's greed] Damn it, Peter! What the hell were you thinking?! This has to be the dumbest thing you've ever done!
No, Brian. The dumbest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub. [cut to the said incident] Yeah, party! [shuts off the bubbles] Eww, baths with friends.
You are such a scumbag. You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly. But now? Screwin' over the people who helped you?! I don't know how you sleep at night.
[sighs] My God. You're right! I'm a jerk. I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk, and you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap. You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who is trying to be my friend.
No, I think you're misunderstanding me.
No, I'm serious. Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I needed it. That says a lot about your character. I'm ashamed of myself because I am none of the things you are. You're honest and direct and compassionate and... [his phone chimes] that is 72 hours! Enjoy your craphole, dumbass!
[enraged] YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [Furiously picks up a lamp and bashes Brian with it, breaking all his teeth and knocking him to the ground]
S13Turkey Guys
[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]
Oh.
Peter, what the hell?! You chose a turkey over me?! I almost died!
I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.
S13The 2000-Year-Old Virgin
Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs?
Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.
Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended.
What lesson?
Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation.
Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done...
Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.
S13Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure
Heil Hooters!
Whoa!
Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.