Family Guy · Season 20
Well, thank you all for coming. Can I get anyone something to drink?
I'm fine but Doug's mother would probably like three martinis and then have unprotected sex with her boss at work.
Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water and never make more than $30,000 a year for the rest of his life.
Alright, guess now the four men awkwardly sit here, while my mom gives your mom a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one.
[offscreen] And this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in.
[offscreen] Ooh. This is a fun house!
It me! Borat! You know. From that picture, Borat. Ever seen it?
Yeah, that movie come out like 15 years ago.
Well, I've never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen.
Oh my god, No.
Dad, can I ask you something about girls?
Are you wearing a wire?
VHS? What do those letters stand for?
That information has been lost to victory.
Stewie, when I was over, visiting grandma and grandpa, humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool, ...
I know you don't understand me but I understand you.
[takes out a stuffed monkey toy]... I found Chi Chi! He's like your doll, Reuben.
[to Lois] I know. I know. I know. You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day. It happens.
What's on your shoes?
Oh, these are called laces. I doubt you've ever heard of them, Mr. Velcro.
I know about laces! I've just never seen black ones! Jeez, why are you always such a dick!?
It takes one to know one.
Where did you learn that? That was great!
[reading his birthday banner] Happy birthday, dog?
Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store. Have a good one, Brent.|
[Joe and Kevin come to the party]
I don't recall inviting Kevin but sure.
His name, you remember.
[Chris goes to a gun counter at Quahog Sports]
Hi, I'm a 15-year-old wild card and...
WELL, LET'S GET YOU A GUN, ALREADY!
Okay, Brian. What do you get for me?
Okay, birthday jokes. [reading one of his jokes] We may not be colleagues, but there's no one in your league.
Boy, that's a brick on the backboard. Chris, what do you got?
I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation and when we got off the highway, the sign said "Disneyland Left" so we drove back home.
Chris, that's going in the show. See that, Brian? Don't be afraid to pull our heartstrings.
[in detention in the elementary school] My God, these kids have their teeth. And where are their pacifiers? How do they ever sleep? Detention kids are scary. Especially that fourth grader writing on the board.
[ Bart writing "IT'S A PLEASURE TO WORK FOR THE DISNEY CORPORATION" on the board]
Aw, that is such a load of [switches to Mickey Mouse voice] truth! A wonderful load of truth!
Say, can we go to the next scene with one of the cinematic sideways wipes they used to do in the '30s?
Eh, I don't know. I did a sideways wipe this morning. I don't recommend it.
[Lois announces it's time to go to the Quahog tree lighting ceremony]
Sweet. Tree lightning. Guess that means it's showtime.
[takes out a bag of eggs]
Wait...what is this?
Oh, nothing. Just my tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lightning.
Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg is dark and different.
Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.
Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.
Oh, there's no sleeping in, when you're an alcoholic, Lois. You just never go to sleep.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
