Family Guy · Season 16
Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.
Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.
Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.
[Stewie and Brian play the roles of Mitch and Cameron from Modern Family]
I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.
[correcting him] The fat woman.
He hasn't chopped it off yet.
That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.
And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Michael. That doesn't mean it's true.
[Peter goes to the bathrooms at the Chinese restaurant, but doesn't understand the themed gender labels]
Huh, samurai or geishas ... Which one am I? I'll just wait 'til somebody else goes in. [two Asian people with unidentifiable genders go into both bathrooms] Well, that wasn't helpful.
[as Peter is unable to stand up due to his sleeping feet] By the way, you're down to 5% battery.
Look, this-- this right here-- is exactly why I've been avoiding you. I knew you'd embarrass me in front of Stryker.
Who cares? He's just some dude.
He's not just some dude. He happens to be the cool friend I've ever had!
What are you talking about? We're cool.
You are not cool.
Oh, yeah? Well, then why did those teenagers on the way in say, "Cool wheelchair, dick"?
Hey, look, Peter if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers, well, then we don't want to hang out with you, either!
Good! Who needs you bums? I got Stryker!
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope you two are happy together, you jerk!
They also make wipes!
Okay, Natalia, level with me. Why are you really here?
I have been sent to neutralize liberal jewish dissident Fievel Mousekewitz.
Oh. Well, the only mouse in this neighborhood is our innocent neighbor, Frank Maxwell.
[Frank walks out of tiny door next to the Griffins' door]
Comrade Mousekewitz! Did you think you could run forever?
I, uh, I think you've got the wrong mouse. I'm just regular old Frank Maxwell, and I'm very late for work! Good day, ma'am.
[Frank gets in his car, which explodes]
Whoa! You killed him?
That was not me. Someone else got to him first.
[camera pans to Mickey Mouse, smoking behind a corner]
[stomping out cigarette] Tough break, Jew mouse. Ha-ha!
[cut to Peter in a suit reading a book]
Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. Under parody law, in order to use someone else's character in an unlicensed fashion, we have to provide something called "commentary." The commentary here is that Mickey Mouse hates Jews.
[Peter gets a message on his phone]
Oh, boy. Amber alert. Stewie was last seen with a goat in a 98 Toyota Tercel, heading north on I-95.
How do you turn those off, by the way?
Brian?
Lock door!
Why would I... [gets shot]
Brian!
[barges into Chris & Meg kissing] No kissing on the bed.
Grandpa only gave me a dollar?
Chris, you write him a thank you note. That will is still wide open.
Welcome to McBurgertown, what can I get for you today?
Hmm, what's the easiest thing to eat in the car? I'll have the huevos rancheros and an orange soda without the cap.
Hi there, it's me, Peter. You know, when it comes to making dreams come alive, there used to be nothing like the movies. So we thought it would be fun to ask a few visionary Hollywood directors to create his...let's be honest, HIS, own unique version of the same Family Guy story, "Peter Gets Fired". Of the countless directors we contacted, three did not say "no" immediately.
[Brian tries to apologize for his extremely racist tweet to an offended angry mob]
Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.
[offscreen] Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
I want to read a few words.
Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
Anyway, I want to...
[still cuts off Brian] Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...
Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!
It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...
Ooh, says the man!
Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience...
I identify as a basketball!
Humans and basketballs...
I'm a parrot who mimics, but doesn't comprehend them!
Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there...
"Whatever"? It's whoever.
Actually, it's whomever.
Offended Woman No one likes you, Mary!
[Everyone continues clamoring]
All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?
[Everyone stops clamoring]
Now you're tone policing us!
That makes me uncomfortable! Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal!
[when no one lets him apologize] You know what? [crumples up and throws his apology away] Fuck you! [everyone gasps in horror] I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh?! Do you wanna ruin my life?! Then congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...
[from inside the house; offscreen] That was a problem before.
I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE! HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL?! I AM SO FAR LEFT, I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!
I'd like to see you try.
[In slow-motion, the man approaches Brian, and punches him in the nose]
Ow! Geez... [he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff] Well, we started the dialogue.
You screamed: "black porn" at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.
[Peter is with Vladimir Putin in Russia and is bored. He suggests watching TV.]
So what do you do for fun around here? You got DirecTV?
We have Time Warner.
You got HBO?
We have Starz.
You got ESPN?
We have Fox Sports 1.
Does that come in HD?
420P.
You got--?
Everything you say, I say something a little bit worse.
[Peter thinks for a second, then asks one final question.]
You got Simpsons?
We have Family Guy.
[enters Brian's shared hospital room] Oh my God Brian, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
[to Brian's roommate] Annie, are you okay? So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?
What happened to her?
She was hit by...uh, she was struck by a smooth criminal.
That was fun mom. We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
