Brian quotes from Family Guy

Well, there's only one thing we can do: shrink down to microscopic size, enter Brian's brain and destroy the tumor from within. [Peter grabs a shrink ray and reduces himself down to microscopic size, but then resizes four seconds later] I was raped by a bug.

[referring to George R. R. Martin] God, he must be the coolest fat guy in a train conductor's cap in the world!

[demonic voice] I see the six stations of the Lord's order, and they will all burn!

[trying to pick up Tori] You know, some people are okay with a drive-through car wash. Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.

Ugh, this is gonna suck. 80% of these acts are either air guitar or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.

Run like a man, you get a suit.

Oh, my God. Somebody call 911! ["9-1-1" series ad pops up] Damn it, Fox! That's not an invitation to ruin our moment to expand your media empire! ["Empire" ad pops up, sighs] Son of Zorn. [fatal error message shows up] Ha.

Wow, okay, uh...Stewie. I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her "little mermaid Moana".

God, this is the worst day since 9/11.

Hey guys, we're out of dry food.

Oh. Did they also knock down the Petco?

You read People? What a stupid magazine. [reads Dogs magazine] Snoopy, fit and fabulous at 75.

Peter

Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.

Lois

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?

And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...

[sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.

...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.

Peter

[He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?

Yes.

Peter

Man, that guy musta been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?

Lois

And then there was that time at the ice cream store...

Peter

Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks ice cream and passes out immediately]

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

Peter

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!

[on screen] I have AIDS.

Peter

Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.

Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with a polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.

Peter

It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?

Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the hell of it, let's try again.

...besides, this place is paradise.

Sure is, except for Randy Newman.

Peter

Randy Newman?

Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.

[sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!

Lois

Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.

[sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!

Lois

[whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.

[sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]