Tom Tucker quotes from Family Guy

Tom Tucker

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. In local news, two roommates were found bound and gagged in their apartment this morning in what they're calling "the cat-sitter-tyer-upper." Guys, we need to get better name-comer-upper-withers.

Tom

For those of you who don't know what VR is, I will now attempt to explain it without the aid of a teleprompter. You put a computer on your face and it's like this whole world man, it's crazy. I dated a chick whose little brother had one. Just nuts.

Diane

A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?

Tom

No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

Peter

Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.

Tom

But, Mr. Griffin,...

Peter

Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.

Peter

[on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!

Peter

I'm handicapped now!

Tom

Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.

Peter

Oh, come on!

Tom

[runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...

Tom

That's you driving the car.

Peter

Well, there's your hook!

Tom

Get out.

Tom

[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake's picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar] In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?

Ollie

HE GON' GET IT!

Tom

Thanks, Ollie. Now this.

Meg

So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker?

Yup.

Meg

Wow! Where’d ya get it?

Oh. I got a guy.

Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!

Tom

We now go live to Ollie Williams, in the Channel 5 Traffic Copter. What's the scene, Ollie?

Ollie

Everybody looks like ants!

Tom

Probably because you're up so high. Coming up next, an exclusive interview with Andrew Shue.

Stewie

Hey, hey Dad, Dad. Pull my finger. [holds his finger out, Peter pulls it] Wait... [farts] Oh, sounded like a peeptoad! But it's not summer!

Peter

Hey, Drippy, you're back! What's for dinner?

(both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.

Tom

How's the weather look, Ollie?

Ollie

(calmly) Not too bad.

Tom

Right on.

Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!

Tom

[from outside the room] I don't care, son. I just do not care.

Diane

Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.

Tom

That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.

We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.

Joe

All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.

Tom

Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm going to be joined by a horribly-disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?

Ah, I think that they're... they're gonna have, they're gonna be fighting D-Diedre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be b-better than usually.

Tom

And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?

Well, uh, the match lasting about u-up until the particular inaccuracy, p-particular unusually t-that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, heart of a champion, margarine hat.

Tom

Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd, and happy 23rd birthday.

You're welcome.

Tom Tucker

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round 6, the round that Deidre Jackson predicted she would kill Lois Griffin. What do you think, Floyd? Is she gonna make good on that promise?

A broken promise, i-is a lot like a child's pinwheel. You have to b-be yourself, or at least within the confines.

Tom Tucker

[Tom knods in agreement] Alright, well, let's see what's going on in the ring.

Tom Tucker

Wow! Well, what do you think, Floyd? How did Lois Griffin do what no other challenger could do and knock out Deirdre Jackson?

I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and when I wake up.

Tom Tucker

And how do you think that's going to effect Jackson's next fight?

My Puerto Rican wife got fat.

Tom

This man wants to testify!

Peter

Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!

Tom

This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say, "Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart". But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?

Ollie

CHER!

Tom

He doesn't even like Cher!

Tom

The national weather service has issued a severe hurricane advisory and it’s everyone to stay indoors for at least the next thirty-six hours. [TV is cut]

Peter

Aw, what happened!?

Tom

Peter, the wind must’ve knocked the satellite dish loose.

Peter

Oh crap, I was gonna watch GI Jóse.

Agh! [gets hit by a ball]

Oh No! You cut your forehead! What’ll we do?

Hey, kids. If you have an open woom, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding, then get some sleep to wait for the body to heel itself.

Now we know!

And like I always say, remember, you know enough.

G.I. JÓSE!!

Tom Tucker

Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while another man further back on the street flips you off.

But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night. Here, with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.

Tom Tucker

[annoyed] That's wrong. That's wrong, you're not doing good so far.

I'm standing here surrounded by snow tourists, stalled cars and the one douchebag that wears a tank top everytime there is a blizzard.

Yeah, this is nothin'. Guys at work drank a quart o' motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.