Family Guy · Season 11
[Competing over dinner with Ross Fishman]
Shirts off! I want to see who's got bigger pecs. [Tears off his shirt]
Peter!
Well, they look better when they're oiled up. Chris, pass that salad dressing. Oh, no, it's an almost empty squeeze bottle. Hang on. [squirts whatever is left onto his body] Eh, it's all out. [to Chris] There's dressing on that salad! Gimme that salad! [puts some salad onto his body] Yeah, who's the better man now, Ross?!
[Peter sits on the couch depressed when Brian walks in]
Hey, what's wrong, Peter?
I miss my friend, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't get Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.
Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.
So what do I do, Brian?
Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore television to the way it was.
You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and...
[Suddenly, three bullets destroy the Nielsen boxes]
What the hell?!
[cut to Mayor West with a shotgun]
That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!
Oh, my God! He destroyed every last box!
Holy crap!
We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get television back to the way it was.
Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.
[A lightbulb appears over Peter's head]
I think I just got an idea.
[Peter gets up and breaks the lightbulb]
Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was.
[Peter sits back down and another lightbulb appears over his head]
I got it!
[Peter gets up again and breaks the second lightbulb]
Aah! Son of a bitch!
[after Quagmire was revealed to have been wearing a wig]
I guess all the time Quagmire should've been saying "Wiggity".
Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.
Somehow, my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.
Reversed the direction of time? Stewie, what does that mean? I don't get it.
[We angle on the sidewalk. Mort Goldman takes a quarter from his pocket and puts it on the sidewalk, then continues]
Okay, now I get it.
[Brian and Stewie hear groaning]
What the devil is that?
It's Peter and Chris. Sounds like they're in trouble.
[they go to the living room and they see Peter and Chris groaning with vomit all over the room]
My God. Why is there so much vomit everywhere?
[points at a bottle] Is that the ipecac bottle? [suddenly realizes] Oh, no! No, please, not this!
Oh, God! It's not gonna be coming out of us, it's gonna be going - [throws up]
Oh, dear God! [throws up; Peter's vomit covers his eyes] Aah! WHAT THE HELL?!
[Peter holds Brian's ears and throws up]
I don't wanna! I don't wanna! [regurgitates]
Dad, I'm scared! [vomits and cries]
Oh God, this is so disgusting! I think I'm gonna puke! [regurgitates] FUCK!
[Brian and Stewie go outside, wipe their mouths, and groan in disgust]
Stewie, I don't care what it takes. We've GOT to fix this! We just ate so much vomit!
Brian, it gets worse. Look.
[Stewie and Brian see a pregnant Bonnie putting some mail in the mailbox]
Yeah, Bonnie is pregnant with Susie. So what?
That means Susie has been "unborn".
Oh, my God! Stewie, you aren't that much older than Susie.
Brian, if we don't push time forward again soon, then I too will become unborn.
Watch your back, Simpsons, we're less than halfway there.
Spidey, can you swing us across with your web?
No, I can't swing you across. And it's Spider-Man, not Spidey.
I'm pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey.
Yeah. Close friends. What's your name?
Peter.
Hey, Petey; do stuff for me!
Oh, I don't like that.
Yeah, you're a fat nobody. I'm fucking Spider-Man.
[a police cruiser pulls up to Peter, Joe and Quagmire]
Oh, thank God. Cops.
Oh, good. You guys can still catch Briggs! He's headed that way!
We're not here for him. [the two officers draw their pistols] We're here for you guys.
You're under arrest for interfering with a police investigation.
What?!
[Cop #1 handcuffs Joe]
[as Cop #2 handcuffs him and Quagmire] Yeah, what the hell? You should be arresting the real criminals, like switchblade welding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like normal people talk!
[scene cuts to a 50s-like thug mugging an old lady and threating her with his switchblade]
Easy, mama. Hand over that purse, and everything will be real cool, you dig?
And then somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills wtih Alka - Selter.
[Cutaway to Meg in bed. She eats some pills, then drinks up water]
People are gonna miss me when l - [burping loudly]
I'm gonna get our old mom back! Brian, keys! Chris, beer! Meg, UG-LAAAAAY!
[Cutaway shows Lois in a hospital bed with baby Meg whose heart is beating on the top of her head]
Yeah, that's... that's not supposed to be there so, she should probably always wear a hat.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about it, Bonnie. I've put Stewie in the oven a bunch of times. As long as you come to your senses in 15 minutes, everything's fine.
Lois, can I go slip N slide in the yard?
Has it been half an hour since you've eaten?
Yes, almost.
Okay, I just wanna be sure you don't get a cramp.
Yay, poor people water fun!
Y'know, this is the same picnic basket we drowned my sister in. Was back when they were like "Drown all the girls!" and then they were like "Don't drown all the girls!", but she was born on a drowning week so you know. Achoo!
[trying to have sex with Mary/Lois] I can't believe how hard you're making me work.
Well, I did have a good virginity coach.
[cutaway]
No, no, no.
Okay, I think I got it. How's this?... [in Consuela's accent] No, no, no.
No, no, no.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
