AAnnouncer
We now return to Abbott and Costello Elementary.
AAbbott
Okay, so as the new vice principal, it's important that you learn all the names of our faculty.
CCostello
That's what I wanna find out.
AAbbott
Well, it's very simple. We have Mr. Present, Mr. Absent, Mr. Here, Mr. Yep, and Ms. Yo.
CCostello
Okay, and all of 'em are here?
AAbbott
Well, no. Only one of them is here.
CCostello
You don't see all of 'em?
CCostello
But you just said only one of 'em is here. What about this guy?
AAbbott
No-no-no. He's not Here, he's Absent. [Costello wheezing] Let's just take attendance, okay? Mr. Absent.
AAbbott
Mr. Present? [no response] Mr. Present. Ah, so Present is absent.
CCostello
Wait, Present is absent?
CCostello
I thought you said he was absent!
CCostello
But he's present.
AAbbott
No, he's not present. Present is absent.
CCostello
Wait, so who's present and who's absent?
AAbbott
He's absent and Present is absent.
CCostello
So he is present!
CCostello
So, he's here, but Present is absent and Absent is present?
AAbbott
Now, that's the first thing you said right.
CCostello
I don't even know what I said!
[confetti and Golden Globes rain around them while an audience cheers]
[Lois and Peter are at their bedroom, having sex in the dark]
Oh, Peter! [laughs] Oh, Peter!
[Lois and Peter's eyes widen in the dark. Lois turns on the lamp, and Peter's hat falls down]
[shocked and confused] Did... did you just call me Francis?
l don't know what l said, Lois, it was the '90s!
Oh, right. I'm just so used to getting out of jams with that.
Peter, did you just yell out your dead father's name while we were having sex?
Holy crap, l think you're right. I guess l must have thought about my old man, Francis, for a second while we were doing it. Wow. [Lois glares at Peter fearfully and nervously] So... [picks up the hat] Where were we?
[Peter attempts to kiss her, but Lois pushes him back] No, Peter, l just... l need a minute. [Peter looks down disappointed and starts to leave] Leave the hat.
[as Meg enters Brian's car] l still can't believe you lied about cancer just to go to a Chaz Inferno restaurant.
What? What are you ralking about? Brian, when l said "One of my dreams," l wasn't talking about eating at Chaz Inferno's. I was talking about for the first tkme ever, actually having real fun with a family member who wasn't mocking me, or farting in my face, or telling me l'm ugly. I guess l lied to you because l just wanted this amazing trip we've been having to last a little longer.
You know what? I've has a really good time with you too, Meg.
And the truth is, when Doctor Hartman said l might die, all l could think about was spending the rest of my life with skmeone who really loves and cares about me. And that was you.
[now smiling] Of course, Meg. We're family.
[Meg smiles, then she and Brian share a hug]
So what joo think? How'm I gonna go to this wedding sounding like this?
Yeah, we sure don't want a repeat of what you did to Cleveland yesterday.
[cutaway to Brian standing outside Cleveland's house with a cigar in one hand and an AR-15 in the other]
Hey, mailman! No more putting the paper in the little slot in my house, eh? The sound wakes me up from my DOGGY NAPS!
[Brian shoots up Cleveland's house, and Cleveland, who is taking a bath, falls out from the house]
No, no, no, no, no, NOOOO!!! [crash] I'm not even the courier for your postal route. That's Laverne!
Look, we are shoppin' for new pants. I can't believe you showed the entire Church your bare ass.
Well, l'm just glad everything is back to normal. [Pull back to show Peter wearing his ruined pants]
[angrily] No, it isn't! You didn't even change your pants! [Turns Peter around to show duct tape on his butt] I mean, look at you! You're a mess! You are lucky we married because no other woman would ever find you attractive.
