Family Guy · Season 10
Lois, I need 28 thousand dollars.
For what?
I've decided I want to open a sushi restaurant.
What do you know about sushi?
I don't care about the sushi. I just wanna yell at customers when they walk in the door.
[cut to that]
IRASSHAIMASE! HAJIMEMASHITE! HERECOMESABLACKGUY!
I just bought a giant room full of gold coins; I'm gonna dive into it like Scrooge McDuck.
[cutaway to giant coin room. Peter enters the room on the diving board in swimwear. He jumps and dives, only to land bloodily injured]
[groans] It's not a liquid! It's a great many pieces of solid matter that form a hard floor-like surface! Aaaaaaagh!
The national weather service has issued a severe hurricane advisory and it’s everyone to stay indoors for at least the next thirty-six hours. [TV is cut]
Aw, what happened!?
Peter, the wind must’ve knocked the satellite dish loose.
Oh crap, I was gonna watch GI Jóse.
Agh! [gets hit by a ball]
Oh No! You cut your forehead! What’ll we do?
Hey, kids. If you have an open woom, get some dirt or kitty litter and rub it in there to stop the bleeding, then get some sleep to wait for the body to heel itself.
Now we know!
And like I always say, remember, you know enough.
G.I. JÓSE!!
Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard. He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid too. God, I wish she'd never met Jeffery Fecalman.
You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?
What?
That's his name?
Yeah.
Huh-larious. But you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass?
Boy, that'd be satisfying.
Well, why not?
What do you mean?
The three of us, we go over there and we do what's right. We kill the bastard.
Woah, woah, Quagmire. You know, I could arrest you just for saying that.
You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.
[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]
I don't know what this "cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.
You're about to have a neat day.
[back to the scene]
Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done, it's still murder.
No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These kinds of guys don't change! Y-You think they ever suddenly wake up and realize the error of their ways and clean up their act? NO! They just keep ruining everyone's lives, and the world is better off without them!
It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it. [hears Brenda screaming in fear, the three look out the window].
WHAT THE HELL?! DID YOU CHANGE THE CHANNEL WHILE I WAS GOING TO GET A BEER?!
Oh yeah, I'm sorry honey. I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.
WE'RE WATCHING LENO, YOU BITCH!
I'm so sorry!
HIS SOFT GENTLE HUMOR CONNECTS EFFORTLESSLY WITH MY MAINSTREAM CAPABILITIES! [Brenda screams as Jeff hits her].
Let's waste this dick.
[Jeff has apparently strangled Quagmire to death in the woods and is digging a hole to bury his body in. Suddenly, Peter's car's headlights turn on and Quagmire, revealed to be alive, is the one behind the wheel]
[Last Words] What the hell?! I killed you!
I choke myself everyday you bastard!
[Brian is questioning Stewie about the damaged car]
Look at this! Do you know anything about this?!
A- about what? About what a beautiful day - Oh my God, that is surprising! Oh, I had to stop that last sentence in the middle because I was so surprised. What happened?
Gee, I don't know! Do YOU know what happened?
[chuckles] I'm sorry, what- what was that? I was laughing at that funny thing you said at dinner the other night.
What funny thing?
Umm, you remember what you said about Lois', um, potatoes "au rotten"?
Huh. Didn't think anybody heard that. Wish you'd laughed at the time, but... WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY CAR?!
[Stewie in a pre-recorded video]
Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on a plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For instance, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but after you told her of your intentions said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard for all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures. And if you were bringing a boombox to play music, I would suggest any one of the six songs:
[the suggested songs scroll over Stewie: "With or Without You" - U2, "Solsbury Hill" - Peter Gabriel, "Unwritten" - Natasha Bedingfield, "Live Like We're Dying" - Kris Allen, "Thank You" - Dido and "Somebody" - Depeche Mode]
So again, ran away. Don't come after me.
["Thank You" by Dido plays as the image fades]
[Pilot Stewie finds present day Stewie hiding under his crib]
Oh… hey!
Who the deuce are you?!
Uh, well, I'm, uh… I'm you.
You look like me, but that's utterly impossible!
I'm afraid it's true. I'm you from the future. I've traveled back in time.
That’s absurd!
Look, I can prove to you that I'm you from the future! I know about the Eddie Bauer catalogue.
[gasps] It IS you!
[to Brian] What did I tell you about altering the past? Wait, when did you even do that?
Well, remember when I said I was gonna take a leak?
Brian, you shouldn't have done that. Who knows what unforseen consequences are awaiting us? Saddam Hussein could be president. Mexico could be the world's dominant super power. Cookie Monster could have invented Facebook!
[cut to an office with the Cookie Man and a man behind a desk]
What is this?
Cookiebook.
Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West, you could be the captain.
All right, I pick you.
You can't pick me, I'm a captain.
[cut to living room where an older West is surrounded with seven kids]
No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.
That's a great story, Grampa.
I didn't like it.
[many years later; a much older West is surrounded with twelve kids]
None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.
Well. I don't like that story, Great-Grampa. [West stands up, and electrocutes the boy who disintegrates into dust]
[breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.
This food is so fucking good Lois.
Oh, okay. Wow.
[After the Griffin family car broke down]
Looks like it's the radiator.
Wow, Brian identifies another problem without a solution. Let's see if l can walk home before he shuts up!
Geez, Chris, what's your problem?
I WANTED A FERRET!
[Peter and the gang get pulled over by a police car]
Don't worry about it, guys. I read nowhere that Southern sheriffs really wanna be talked down to by big-shot Northerners.
[Peter puts on a Harvard University sweater and takes out a pipe as the sheriff approaches the car]
Afternoon.
[in a snooty voice] Officer, hwhat is it? We are in a tremendous urban rush.
You fellas ain't from around here, are ya?
[normal voice] Hey, Sheriff. I'm tryin' to learn Southern. Is this sayin' anything? Adoi-doi-doi-doi-doi!!
[Lois, Donna and Bonnie lie on the couch, intoxicated.]
[drunk] He-he-ey-hey! I got an idea for something that's gonna be so fuckin' funny! [whispers to Bonnie and Donna] Okay, Bonnie, go get it. It's in the closet. [Bonnie leaves] Brian! Brian, come out here! [Brian enters the living room, reading a book]
I'm reading.
[giggles] What...what...whatta you reading?
Well, I was just finishing Jonathan Franzen's book. Y'know, I'll admit, it has its moments, but it's completely overrated. I mean, I'm not saying I wrote something similar to it several years ago, but I am saying -
Grab him!
[The wives jump on top of a struggling Brian.]
What? Hey-hey?! What are you doing?! Hey!
Get his paw! Hold still!
Hey, hey, hey! What-?!
Push him down onto all fours!
No! What are you do-?! I don't wanna do this!
If he really starts freaking out, put your pinkie in his butt!
[The wives release Brian; he is dressed as a bee and trying to get the costume off.]
Calm down! Calm down!
[She whacks Brian on the head with the book. He runs into the stereo and the three women break down laughing hysterically.]
Now, Stewie!
[walks in carrying a pistol] Alright, I guess this is the night bitches die.
[the Griffin family watches the Channel 5 news]
Good morning, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, we talk to a man on the street while another man further back on the street flips you off.
But first, Quahog was hit by a major blizzard last night. Here, with more details on the snowstorm is Asian correspondent Tricia Nakahoma.
[annoyed] That's wrong. That's wrong, you're not doing good so far.
[Tricia Takanawa is shown outside, where it's packed with snow]
I'm standing here surrounded by snow tourists, stalled cars and the one douchebag that wears a tank top everytime there is a blizzard.
Yeah, this is nothin'. Guys at work drank a quart o' motor oil once and didn't even die from it. Put that on the news, but you won't.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
