Glenn Quagmire quotes from Family Guy

Quagmire

The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, you see where I'm going with this. Oh!

Quagmire

If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay.

Quagmire

[to Angela] Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire.

Quagmire

Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.

Quagmire

But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas?

Quagmire

[referencing an awful Korean Taco] Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Quagmire

I can't believe it. This is horrible. What am I gonna do?

Quagmire

You shut your mouth! That man was a hero!

[Inspecting passengers at the airport for contraband] No drugs. She's good. He's clean.

Joe

Well looks like that's it except for the flight crew.

Quagmire

Hey-ey, Brian! What's with the Johnny Law routine?

Joe

Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.

Quagmire

Oh yeah? How good are you?

[Sniffs Quagmire's crotch] You're back from Manila. You had Lumpia for dinner, then you made love to two Filipino women. [Sniffs again] And a man.

Quagmire

You mean three Filipino women.

Quagmire

[Realizes he slept with a man] Noooo!

Peter

Yep.

Joe

Yep.

Quagmire

Yep.

Cleveland

Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

Glenn, would you feed Mittens?

Quagmire

Mittens has food in his bowl!

That's old food! [Mittens meows]

Quagmire

Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!

Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!

Quagmire

Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!

Lois

I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same ol' routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like there was a secret hole in me.

Lois

...And I was tryna fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things...

Quagmire

Oh, God!

Lois

...And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.

Quagmire

OH GOD!!!

Lois

I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson.

Quagmire

That one is also sexual. [walks away happily]

Joe

We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

Quagmire

Hey, what's that?

Peter

[stops] What?

Cleveland

You're eatin' somethin'!

Joe

You bastard! You have food?!

Peter

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Joe

Gimme that!

Joe

Peter! You've been eating my legs?!

Peter

Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Joe

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Peter

Look, look, Joe, I...!

Joe

YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!!

Peter

Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree.

Cleveland

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.

Peter

Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! [accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]

Cleveland

[solemnly] Peter, it's okay.

Peter

It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!

Cleveland

You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.

Peter

[stops crying; shocked] He...he did it to you, too?

Quagmire

I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!

Joe

You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!

Peter

My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.

Joe

No!

Quagmire

Oh, we're just getting started!

Cleveland

Meg is my least favorite of all your children.

Peter

It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.

Cleveland

I'm that kind of drunk.

Peter

[throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!