Family Guy · Season 8
[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]
What the hell? What's happened to us?
I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.
Look! There's our house!
[Brian and Stewie run towards it]
[laughing] Look how gaily we run!
[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]
Whoa, this is trippy.
I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.
[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]
Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.
[Flint, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-Man enter the room]
Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, ThunderCats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!
How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?
Fuck you!
Bye!
[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]
That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.
[cut to Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]
See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?
Have you made a reservation, Peter?
Uh... yeah! I did it before her!
Who did you talk to?
Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio?
Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years!
Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times.
You saw Cops and Robbersons?
And My Stepmother Is an Alien?
Almost all of them.
[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]
Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.
[after the breakup] You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
[about to set them on the dresser] Here?
No. The davenport- the chesterfield.
[about to set them on the cushioned bench] On this?
No. Does that look like a divan to you?
[about to set them on the windowsill] Here?
[sighs] Leave them on the chifferobe.
[frustrated] You know what? Just take your fuckin' keys. I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about. [slams door]
Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.
Oh, that's terrible.
I fell into a deep depression after the divorce, which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.
Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.
[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]
Allahu Akbar! [crashes]
[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]
Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!
[from outside the room] I don't care, son. I just do not care.
Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.
Giggity?
Oooh, I say that...
Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid.
[shows off a parrot] I just bought it yesterday. Isn't it beautiful?
[to the parrot] Cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple, cripple!
Cripple!
DAMN IT!
I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say, "Oh, I'll get you later" but "later" never comes. And what really bothers me is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound, intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much...he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible! You know, I should have known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would have known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore. [sighs] Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak.
[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]
Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Join me for what?
No, PETA, the organization.
What organization?
PETA.
What?!
PETA is an acronym, Peter.
No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!
Are we doing this?
No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Someone is having a rally for me now?
No, for PETA.
That's me! I'm Peter!
I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.
Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!
I think Betty White is in PETA.
That doesn't even make any sense!
Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. [flips page] The African-American heart monitor.
[cut to a scene at a hospital]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [monitor stops] Aw, he dead.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
