Chris Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Chris

First, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights.

Chris

[discussing wanting to enter America's Funniest Home Videos] I want to spend $2,000 flying to Los Angeles to win $1,000.

That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!

Peter

Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella, that's my kid! Now apologize.

Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass!

Peter

Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps]

Chris

Way to go, Dad!

Hey, you hit my mom!

Peter

No, I hit your dad.

Whoa! Stand back! Give her some air!

Peter

You mean, give "him" some air.

Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!

Peter

You...you mean, "he's" going into labor... [sound of baby wailing] Whoops.

Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in."

You got it!

Chris

Well, you were close, dad!

Peter

Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase "my hairy aunt."

Chris

[about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!

Lois

Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

[after Chris fails to dunk him into the tank] Ha! Boy, you throw like a fish wife. C'mon, ya hairy lubbin' friggin' rod!

Peter

Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman?

Chris

[lividly] NO WAY!!

Oh, for the love of Pete!

Lois

Now don't try and pawn this off on your sister, she's a good girl.

Chris

Oh yeah? What about the time she strangled my other sister?

Lois

[nervously] Chris, honey, we told you, that was just a bad dream.

Chris

But I remember it so clear-

[loudly] It was a dream!

Meg

Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?

Chris

Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.

Meg

Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!

Chris

Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.

Meg

I don't have a mustache...do I?

Lois

Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

Meg

But, Mom!

Lois

Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Stewie

Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in Hell... [falls asleep]

Lois

Chris, is that a note?

Chris

...No.

Lois

Yes, it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?

Chris

...No!

Meg

Just read it, lardo.

Chris

[reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.

Lois

Go to your room.

Chris

Dad, I tried to go to school, but this guy won't let me.

Peter

Oh yeah? Him and what army?

Chris

The U.S. Army. [points to tanks and soldiers on the other side of the fence]

Peter

Oh, that's a good army.

How old are you?

Chris

Old enough to know you're a whore.

Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?

Chris

Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?

Stewie

Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.

Stewie

The port is quite good.

Yes, quite good.

Chris

Indeed.

Peter

Most certainly.

What year is it?

Chris

'51.

Ah.

Peter

Delectable.

Stewie

Indeed.

Chris

Yes.

Peter

[catches fire] Oh, dear!

What is it?

Peter

I've spontaneously combusted.

Stewie

Oh, I am sorry.

Peter

Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.

Stewie

Ah, very good then.

Chris

For the best.

Yes, indeed.

Stewie

Oh, is it raining again?

Peter

Hey Chris, what you doing?

Chris

Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player-haters be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.

Peter

Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.

Chris

[laughs] Rump.

Peter

This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.