[Brian chats with Jess]
JJess
Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.
Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!
So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?
JJess
Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [say it with Brian] if you can call it music.
Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!
JJess
[giggles] I like you, Brian! You say what's on your mind.
Hey, life's too short, right?
[after Jess choked on her nachos to death]
Oh, my God. Somebody call 911! ["9-1-1" series ad pops up] Damn it, Fox! That's not an invitation to ruin our moment to expand your media empire! ["Empire" ad pops up, sighs] Son of Zorn. [fatal error message shows up] Ha.
LLou
[offscreen] Welcome back, Brian.
AMAudience Member
That's Lou, the apartment manager, from when Brian moved out!
LLou
Ain't that something to flip your biscuit?
Oh, Meg. You have to babysit Stewie, Saturday.
Okay. Chris, you have to do it.
What? That's not fair. I have a party to go to.
Sorry, Meg found pictures on your father's computer and she's blackmailing us. She can do what she wants until we get some dirt on her.
I didn't know it was supposed to be hard before I took the picture.
[Peter finds that Lois has tricked him into attending a self-empowerment seminar]
You lied to me! You said we were going to Baskin-Robbins!
I said we were going to bask in Robbin's glow.
[accusingly] You know what you did.
Nobody yet helped me become a better kid. In fact, today, I’m gonna ask for—nay, OUCH—a raise.
"Nay"? Wow! *becomes super intense* This new you is a bigger surprise than when they're making fun of a celebrity on The Reading Rainbow, and the real life celebrity walks in behind them!!!
[cutaway to Peter and Lois watching TV in the living room]
Oh-ho-ho, boy, they're really socking it to the celebrity. LEVAR!!!!
[laughing] Yeah, can you imagine how mad the celebrity would be? I mean, wherever they are at this particular moment, if they're watching, they must be…
[Peter and Lois gasp in shock]
[laughing excitedly] That's the actual celebrity walking up right behind them!
He… he's catching 'em right in the act! The… the SNL actor doesn’t know! Oh, he's gonna get in trouble! Look how mad the actual celebrity is! He's folding his arms and frowning!
[pats Peter's shoulder] He tapped the SNL actor on the shoulder!! [grabs Peter and shakes him] Look how surprised the SNL actor is!!
[shakes his legs excitedly] “AAAHHH, HE'S COMPLETELY BUSTED!!!”
[cackles maniacally] HA HA HA AH!
[Peter smashes his beer on the floor, then he and Lois proceed to throw and smash the living room declarations while hollering and hooting before Meg comes downstairs with a flamethrower]
Meg I WAS WATCHING UPSTAIRS ON HULU!!! [sets fire to the couch and throws it over]
[Brian crashes his Prius through the window, which sends him through the car's windshield onto its hood]
[holds up his phone] I SAW IT ON MY PHONE!!!
[Quagmire crashes his plane through the ceiling]
Wait a minute. This doesn't feel right. What button did you hit?
That one. The tiny button.
Wait, did you press the tiny button or the button that says "tiny"?
I hit the button that says "tiny". You said, "hit the tiny button".
Exactly! I didn't say "hit the big button that says 'tiny'"! I said, "hit the tiny button"! The one you pressed is gonna shrink us down to microscopic size!
Well, why would you make the tiny button big?
I had to make it big enough to write "tiny" on it!
Anyone can get mad, Chris. Even Shaquille O'Neal.
[cutaway to Shaquille O'Neal talking to a waitress at a diner with a neutral expression and in a monotone voice]
SOShaquille O'Neal
Excuse me, my flapjacks were supposed to have a Superman "S" on 'em.
WWaitress
Are you mad? I… I can't tell if you're mad.
SOShaquille O'Neal
Very mad. This is unacceptable. What's the point of having millions of dollars if everything can't be Superman?
WWaitress
Okay. Well, we'll fix it right away. Is there anything else I can get you?
SOShaquille O'Neal
Yes, a big ambulance. I am stuck in this booth.
