Alright, that's it, Peter, we've gotta do something about that awful breath. I'm making an appointment and you are going to the dentist.
Jeesh, you are not gonna let this go, are ya. You're as stubborn as a four-hour erection.
[Cutaway to a guy in bed]
MMan
Well, she's long gone. [lifts his sheet to talk to his erection] So, uh, you can go, too.
EErection
Oh no. You got me for another three-and-a-half hours, pal. Go ahead, seek medical attention. I'm not going anywhere.
MMan
You can't stay! I'm chaperoning my daughter's Girl Scout dinner in 45 minutes!
EErection
Well, tuck me into your waistband and try not to pee up your shirt.
Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.
So, what happened? Did you find your treasure?
No, I realized something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.
Hey, I'm home! I got groceries.
Yeah, I was driving past there and we were out of some stuff, so I- [Gets tackled by Lois]
You listen to me you son of a bitch! I've got one thing in this lifetime... ONE THING! [Punches Peter]
You always say I never do anything around here!!
YEAH, I LIKE SAYING THAT MORE THAN I LIKE YOU DOING THINGS...
Dad, I got the rest from a car. Where-
CHRIS, RUN! YOU ARE RIGHT, SHE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT!
Oh crap! [runs off but Lois throws a can out of the house and it hits him off-screen.] OW!
That's Right... I DO GROCERIES.
TATeacher at a PTA meeting
So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there are any questions, thank you all for coming.
CCheetah
Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle.
[all the parents sigh]
TTeacher
I'll bring that up to the board.
CCheetah
Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and [laughing] he-h-here we are again.
[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]
Quagmire, are you in there?!
[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]
Oh, he's eating. [shouts at the door] We'll come back when you're done eating!
IIda
Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glenn?
Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but check with me before you throw stuff away?
TATV Announcer
We now return to Captain Central America.
[Two scientists are watching a transformation chamber activate, the chamber opens up and out comes a Hispanic man]
SScientist
It worked! [takes a lid off a trash can and hands it to the Hispanic man]
HMHispanic Man
Gracias. What are my powers?
SScientist
Oh yeah, it's weird. [pulls a paint roller out of the trash can] You're like, really good at painting my living room. [gives the paint roller to the Hispanic man] Up, up, and get it done by Saturday! We're having a party.
[after Brian opens the door] Brian Griffin?
MMailman
[gives the package to Brian] Here you go.
[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]
[sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's penis he cut off] Aah! Oh, God!
[laughs] What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! [Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants] I don't feel right. I want it back. [Collapses]
[the morning after sex in Italy]
Last night was the best sex I ever had.
Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people.
What are you talking about?
[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]
Kids, I've got an announcement...
[sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.
We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.
Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.
[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]
What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]
[in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.
[sees a car speeding straight for Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net in the process] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]
[runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg and saw Brian hurt] Oh, my God! [runs to him] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?!
Holy crap! What the hell happened?!
SSquirrel
[runs to Brian, kicks his head, and spits] That guy sucked! [runs away, cuts to Quahog Vet]
Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?
I don’t know, Meg. But this is the best veterinary in Quahog. Brian’s getting the fine care there is.
You have to share an ambulance with a chicken.
[to Chicken] Hey, Um, aren't you supposed to be running around?
CChicken
[to Peter] Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.
Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay?
VVeterinarian
[sadly] I'm so sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your good-byes. [The Griffin family are shocked in horror to the Veterinarian, they walk to Brian’s deathbed]
[tearfully] Oh, my God! Brian, no!
[tearfully] I can't believe it. Y-You're really...
[tearfully] Damn it, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together. We were gonna become windsurfers. I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good! [Brian wakes up; groans softly]
You guys, I think, I think Brian's trying to say something!
You... you've given me a wonderful life. I love you all. [smiles before finally passing away, to the family's horror. The veterinarian checks his heartbeat. Nothing.]
VVeterinarian
[sadly] I'm sorry. He's gone.
[tearfully] Oh, my god... He's...
[tearfully] Yes, Chris. I'm afraid... I'm afraid our Brian is dead!
Damn it, Stewie! What the hell did you do?!
I know, I know, I messed up.
[Mocks] "I messed up!" [Normal voice] You went back to 17th-century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians. And now they're running everything!
I said I messed up, all right?! I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.
Well, it's not a good trait.
Oh, come on. Don't say that. Let me buy you lunch.
Thanks to you, the Indians killed all the white people and took over America! I mean, you're the one who's always saying "never alter the past".
Oh, come on, Brian, let's be honest. I frequently alter the past.
[Cutaway to Jesus and the 12 apostles. Jesus is reading a paper]
All right, so, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?
Hey, Judas, he ordered like 5 margaritas. All you had was a salad.
[comes from the future and sees Brian on the street. He sees the car heading right for him and runs to him] Brian, look out! [pushes him out of the way, letting the hockey stick and toy net get broken by the car]
You're alive, my friend! [hugs him]
What? Of course, I'm alive. What the hell is going on here?
Brian, [points at the car] that car killed you, and when it did, a little part of me died as well. I couldn't live without you, so I came back from the future to save your life.
Wait a minute. What are you talking about? I saw you destroy your time machine.
Yes, but luckily, I ran into another me from the past, so I stole his return pad and came back here. Oh, that reminds me. I better send this back to where it came from.
