Joe Swanson quotes from Family Guy

Joe

Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.

Joe

Oh, no.

Joe Swanson

Suck my bumpy gourd, McCloskey!

[Inspecting passengers at the airport for contraband] No drugs. She's good. He's clean.

Joe

Well looks like that's it except for the flight crew.

Quagmire

Hey-ey, Brian! What's with the Johnny Law routine?

Joe

Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.

Quagmire

Oh yeah? How good are you?

[Sniffs Quagmire's crotch] You're back from Manila. You had Lumpia for dinner, then you made love to two Filipino women. [Sniffs again] And a man.

Quagmire

You mean three Filipino women.

Quagmire

[Realizes he slept with a man] Noooo!

Peter

Yep.

Joe

Yep.

Quagmire

Yep.

Cleveland

Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]

Joe

We've been out here for days. I'm starvin'.

Quagmire

Hey, what's that?

Peter

[stops] What?

Cleveland

You're eatin' somethin'!

Joe

You bastard! You have food?!

Peter

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Joe

Gimme that!

Joe

Peter! You've been eating my legs?!

Peter

Yeah. See, now, this is why I didn't say anything. I knew you were gonna get like this.

Joe

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Peter

Look, look, Joe, I...!

Joe

YOU'VE BEEN EATING ME!!

Peter

Okay. You know what? Let's agree to disagree.

Joe

Well, that was a great cruise.

Peter

Yeah. The buffet was great!

Cleveland

And I enjoyed shootin' Skeet.

Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich. We'll get you to the hospital.

[to Cleveland; in pain and anger] You bastard!

Cleveland

There's nothin' good about what you do or who you are.

Cleveland

Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.

Peter

Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! [accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]

Cleveland

[solemnly] Peter, it's okay.

Peter

It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!

Cleveland

You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.

Peter

[stops crying; shocked] He...he did it to you, too?

Quagmire

I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!

Joe

You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!

Peter

My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.

Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.

Joe

No!

Quagmire

Oh, we're just getting started!

Cleveland

Meg is my least favorite of all your children.

Peter

It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.

Cleveland

I'm that kind of drunk.

Peter

[throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

Peter

Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]

Lois

OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!

Joe

[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!

Stewie

You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.

Chris

[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!

Meg

We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!

Cleveland

[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?

Bonnie

Oh my God, that was so much fun!

Lois

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot!

Joe

Peter? Peter?

Peter

Oh, sorry, Joe. I, uh, just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

Quagmire

It's the best show you're not watching!

Cleveland

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Not so fast, pal. Those are my clothes.

Peter

Oh, come on!

Joe

You heard him, fella. Take 'em off. Right down to the poop sack.

Joe

What? You don't all wear a poop sack? [angrily] DAMN IT, BONNIE! YOU LIED TO ME ABOUT THE POOP SACK!

Peter

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Joe

No way!

Quagmire

Cool!

Cleveland

That thing don't bite, do it?

Peter

Guys, say hello to Adrian Beakey.

Pick a lane, bitch!

Peter

Hey, isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

I gotta pee! Where's that Snapple bottle?

I had a gay experience at camp!

Peter

[uncomfortable] Uh, yeah, I had the radio on in the car and they were talking about some crazy stuff... So what are you-what are you guys drinkin'?

Joe

[enraged; while cleaning his wheelchair] THIS IS MY WHEELCHAIR! THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE! WITHOUT ME, MY WHEELCHAIR IS USELESS! WITHOUT MY WHEELCHAIR, I AM USELESS! [telephone rings] SHUT UP!!!

Okay!

Peter

Ah! Aah! What is that?! What is that?! I feel somethin'!

Joe

It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.

Peter

I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared -[vomits on Brian]

Oh, God!

Peter

Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

Cleveland

Ice now. Heat later.