Family Guy · Season 5
Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened?
[slowly] I was raped.
Lois [chuckles] What?
Dr. Hartman violated me. He took my innocence.
[chuckles harder] What? [Peter whispers in her ear; annoyed] Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age.
You sound just like him! [runs off, sobbing]
Fuckin' idiot.
[At the Drunken Clams tavern]
Peter, what's the matter with you today? You're not yourself.
Guys, I went to see Dr. Hartman yesterday, and...he did things to my fanny! [accidentally knocks over his beer mug; crying]
[solemnly] Peter, it's okay.
It's not okay! You don't know what it's like!
You're wrong. I too have felt the cold finger of injustice on my insidey parts.
[stops crying; shocked] He...he did it to you, too?
I have something to say. Dr. Hartman violated me as well. I only went in there for a physical/guinea pig removal, but I turned out to be the guinea pig...for his sexual experimentation!
You guys are a bunch of queers. [leaves, then comes back crying] And so am I! Oh, God, it was horrible! I scrubbed and I scrubbed, but DAMN IT, THEY DON'T MAKE WATER HOT ENOUGH!
My God, we've all been victims of Dr. Hartman's "prostate exam." Well, gentleman, the abuse stops here! I will not turn a brown eye to this. I am gonna sue that bastard and make him pay out the ass. No if's, and's, or but's. I'm gonna be really anal about this. Sphincter.
Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
No!
Oh, we're just getting started!
Meg is my least favorite of all your children.
It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
I'm that kind of drunk.
[throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!
So, how was work today, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries] Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg. [Peter angrily raspberries again] And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says "Meg."
[Peter angrily raspberries yet again] So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg? [Peter angrily raspberries again]
[laughs] Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries again] MEG! [Peter angrily raspberries even louder] Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! [Peter angrily raspberries 7 times; quietly] Meg... [Peter angrily raspberries quietly]
I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job! [Peter whispers into Brian's ear]
Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
What did he just say to you?
Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg. [Peter raspberries again]
[deleted scene on DVD; Chris marches up to Quagmire, who is watering the lawn]
Hey, Chris, what's going on?
Give me your car keys.
Huh? What for?
[furiously] I said GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS!! [starts yelling while beating Quagmire up with headbutting, kicking and punching, then knocks him to the ground and pounds him] It didn't have to be this way, Glenn! [takes Quagmire's car keys] You should've given me your keys. [gets in Quagmire's car and drives off]
[enters the scene] Quagmire, what the hell happened to you?
Your damn kid just totally kicked my ass!
Meg did this?
No, you dummy, Chris! He came over here, beat the crap out of me and took my car!
Well, Chris is gonna get it, as soon as I get my hands on him.
[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super-" [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP! [he, the rest of the Griffins (barring Stewie), and Quagmire all scream in shock]
OH, MY GOD! YOU BLEW OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS!
[enters] What happened? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!
You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
[finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheels of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
[enters with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?
Now, why would you be embarrassed about dating her?
Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
[to Brian] Is she retarded?
Can you please leave now?!
Oh, now I get it! She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
Shut up! That's not it at all!
[reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off, and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be obstinate!
Abstinent.
Absent.
Abstinent.
You're grounded.
[Brian and Stewie are sitting on the couch in the living room]
Hey, where's Olivia?
Oh, she's probably up at the house.
Brian: Stewie.
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know. [squints his eyes, confused with what Brian is trying to tell him]
Brian: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
[They get off the couch and face each other]
Stewie: Don't do this to me, man! Not you, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [on the verge of tears] Screw you! Cut it out, man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [starts crying and Brian hugs him] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was gonna be so hard!
[They let go]
Look, Stewie, you stood up before God and all your toys and you took an oath to stick it out when things got tough. You want her to see you as an adult? Well, this is adulthood. (Stewie stops crying and dries his tears)
You're right, Brian. I can't hide from this relationship. It's my responsibility to deal with it. I mean, what kind of a man would I be if I ran off now?
Well, you'd be a black man.
[shocked] Wow! Wow! Whoa! What was that!?
Ah! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! That was my father talking!
You, um... You gotta work on that, man. Bad dog. [leaves]
So what happened?
Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being an adult sucks. Women are a royal pain in the ass. It's like you can't just hang out with men, you know? Just live with someone of your sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know?
They do, it's called being gay.
Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could get into that.
[Lois is sitting on the couch reading a book when Peter calls her from outside]
Lois, can you come out here for a second?
[Lois opens the door and sees Peter sitting on top of a giraffe]
Hey, Lois can you run inside and get me some oranges or whatever it is these things eat?
Peter, what is that!?
Uh, this would be a giraffe, Isaac Newton. I stole it from the zoo. With Mayor West sending all the cops away, everybody can do whatever they want.
Peter I don't care what Mayor West has done, you can't just break the law.
Sure I can, I've been doing it all week.
Peter you take that thing back where it belongs immediately!
Alright, I guess we gotta go back to the zoo, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?
[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]
[from inside the house] Good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wait, HEY, HEY, HEY! What the hell?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here!
[the giraffe runs backward, kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house. Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]
What the hell?! No, no, no, no, no, NO! [Cleveland and his bathtub fall to the ground] I gotta stop takin' my baths durin' Peter's shenanigans...
Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again, and here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garrett Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.
WE'RE NOT BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND!
I will never be attracted to you.
I WILL NEVER BE ATTRACTED TO YOU!
You're acting like a psycho bitch.
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A PSYCHO BITCH!
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW!
[Brian walks out the door, Morris disappears]
[sternly] I won't be ignored, Brian.
[Morris reappears]
Mmm, I like your ass.
How are we gonna get out of here?
You still got the starting gun?
Yeah.
Give it to me. [Brian hands Stewie his starting gun. Scene changes to the green car stopping at the traffic light. He pops up with starting gun aimed at the driver.] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR, RIGHT NOW, MAN! [smashes the driver-side door window] GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR! DO IT, DO IT, DO IT! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!
[The driver screams in terror, Brian pulls the driver out of the car, then he and Stewie gets in to drive away back to Quahog.]
Did we just carjack someone?
We sure did, Brian. We sure did.
[Stewie opens Meg's birthday presents]
Let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?
You're welcome.
Stewie, what are you doing?! You can't open Meg's gifts!
These are mine, you hear me? MINE!
Oh God, not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day.
I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.
[cutaway]
What you want? What you want for Christmas?
Um... I was thinking one of those old time-y...
Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas! [he throws Stewie off his lap and an Asian kid is put on it] What you want?
Fire truck!
What color?
Red!
Next!
[As he is thrown off Santa] AHHH!
[realizing] Oh my god. Lois, You're right. Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again!
[Cut to Peter Griffin sitting on a couch and lightning the bong to do crack.]
[Entering the living room] Peter, what are you doing?
Crack.
[furiously] What the fuck!?
Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.
Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?
From Black's.
What?
Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.
Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, [hands Peter a paper] this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.
[hesitantly] Alright, Brian...
Good.
[As soon Brian walks away, Peter Griffin resumes doing crack. Cut to Brian re-entering the living room later.]
Hey Peter, just thought I'd checked on you- [sees a stoned shirtless Peter now clutching to the couch cushion.] Oh my God!
GOV'MENT CAME AND TOOK MAH BAAAAABY!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
