Lois Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Lois

I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant! I'm not even sure how that's scientifically possible!

Lois

Well, can we at least do some Muppet-style sight-seeing first?

Lois

Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just...

Lois

The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.

Lois

Well, it certainly isn't easy being in a family that also happens to star in a sitcom together. Especially last year when I discovered those naked pictures of that 18-year-old intern on Peter's phone, but he explained that his phone number was the old number of her ex-boyfriend, so ... what was it again? ... So, the cloud. That's right. So, the photos were on the cloud and the cloud pulled the pictures uh ... I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him and that's why he has them and we both called the Apple store and they said that they can't disprove that it doesn't happen and so, here we are. Still married. Still on the show and it's happened five times since then some of the pictures have both Peter and the girl in them.

Lois

I'm gonna go take a shower, so I can blow my nose into my hands. [crashes into a wall] Ow! Damn it! I hate this house.

Lois

Go to Hell!

Lois

I'm warning you if you kill me, the internet's gonna freak out.

Lois

And the first to open their eyes is gay.

Lois

Ah, look at this, Peter. A new restaurant in town. What a lightning bolt to the balls for a couple of schmos like us, huh?

Lois

Ugh, look at that thing's eyes! You know, maybe one glass a night wasn't fine.

Lois

We got the house, guys!

Lois

Brian, they just knocked down the World Trade Centers.

Lois

[narration] It all began in the land of Mordor. Forged in the fires of Spencer's gifts, Sauron created the one earring to rule them all. What followed was a massive war of elves and orcs that will someday cost Amazon Studios $2,000,000,000, just to get review bombed by racists.

Stewie

Excellent. The mind control device is nearing completion.

Lois

Stewie, I said no toys at the table.

Stewie

Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

Lois

Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.

Stewie

But of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!

Lois

No toys, Stewie.

Stewie

Very well then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.

Peter

Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.

Lois

Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?

And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...

[sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.

...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.

Peter

[He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?

Yes.

Peter

Man, that guy musta been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?

Lois

And then there was that time at the ice cream store...

Peter

Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks ice cream and passes out immediately]

And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?

Peter

I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!

[on screen] I have AIDS.