Family Guy · Season 2
Brian, teach me how to be a gentleman.
Well, Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with a polite conversation. For example, it's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having. Now you try.
It's a pleasure to see you again. After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in by a friend who videotaped him having rough sex. How's that?
Wow. Perfect. My work is done. But just for the hell of it, let's try again.
[returns home] Lois, put the coffee on!
Careful! I just cleaned the floor.
Good thing. Huh? [laughs]
[the Pope kisses the floor, smacks his lips, and smiles]
Lemony!
[Lois, shocked at the sight of his Holiness, drops a dish]
Your Holiness, this is such an honor! Please, go into the living room, and make yourself at home!
[shocked at the sight of the Pope] Holy Mother! It's the Holy Father! [kneels before his Holiness] I am not worthy.
Haven't you heard? At midnight tonight, every computer in the world is gonna fail! Planes will fall out of the sky, and all the world's nuclear weapons will explode, annihilating the entire planet!
NO! [runs over to Trix Rabbit and smacks Trix out of hand] Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn long-ears trying to take Easter away from Jesus! [to Ernie] I'm sorry, what were you saying?
...besides, this place is paradise.
Sure is, except for Randy Newman.
Randy Newman?
Yup, just sits there all night and day, singing about what he sees.
[sings and plays piano] Fat man with his kids and dog, drove in through the morning fog. Hey there, Rover, come on over!
Well, it's nice to have music while we eat.
[sings] Red-headed lady, reachin' for an apple, gonna take a bite. Uh, nope nope. She's gonna breathe on it first, wipe it on her blouse! ....She takes a bite, chews it once, twice, three times, four times, stops... Saliva workin' takes a long hard look at Randy. Five times. Fat ol' husband walkin' over!
[whispers] Let's get the hell out of here.
[sings] And they're walkin' down the road. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot... [apple hits him on the head and knocks him down]
Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.
Oh, just die already.
[Meg enters the room and sees a wet stain on the rug]
EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!
NO!
Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Li, would your people really do this?
Oh, try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen, who will in turn sell them to Ura's people so they can ethnically cleanse the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other?
[Children crying and when Peter falls through the chimney]
Oh, Hosanna! It's the lesser of two evils!
Oh, hey, kids. I'm Santa Claus. Just practicing for Christmas.
But you're white. Jack and Sarah told me Santa is Indian.
Don't be stupid! Santa is black!
Santa can't be black. We do not fear him.
Cram it, Gandhi! Santa is Asian!
How can he be Asian? Santa doesn't drive his sled 20 miles under the speed limit with his blinker on! Go back to your rice paddy, Mulan!
[Death has a flashback of his teen years when he and his old girlfriend made out in his car; the car rocks]
Oh, Sandy! Oh, Sandy. Ohh...
[the car stops rocking, all of a sudden; Sandy is silent]
Sandy? Oh, not again! I'm gonna be a virgin forever! [pause] Or am I?
[he resumes making out with her, and the car begins to rock again]
[the cast of Dawson's Creek catches Peter (as Death) in the cockpit after he knocked out the pilots]
Nice goin', fat!
Hey, I was just tryin' to save your lives!
Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
That's not true. I wrote The Bonfire of the Vanities.
No, you didn't!
You win this round, Lois.
You're not being creative! You're just destroying a wonderful show!
Hey, hey. I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00am.
The only thing you create before 9:00am is exactly what you've turned my show into!
I think my work will speak for itself. [walks out of room and comes back a few seconds later] [laughs] I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.
[to Peter] You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Boy, that lotion sure feels good.
Sure is hot. [removes her top]
And it just got hotter. Here. Now let me do you. [both laugh]
Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you buy it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Ugh, typical male fantasy... women drinkin' beer. I guarantee you a man made that commercial.
Of course a man made it. It's a commercial, Lois, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
[sings as he comes out of the kitchen with...] 10 banana cream pies!
[Lois and Ironbox, still in their catfight, slam into him, and he drops the pies]
There's gotta be an explanation for all this!
You want an explanation? [smacks Peter] GOD... IS...PISSED!
I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
...Oh yeah.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
