Stewie Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Stewie

[in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Stewie

[to Peter] You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Stewie

What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack?!? [hurls his plate against a wall] Make it again!

Stewie

Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I do. I have no problem. It's just, there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much that I want to kill her. It's just-- I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself: My God, wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?

Stewie

Hello, operator? Hello? Oh God, that's right, you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. I should know this...oh, yes, 867-5309, that's it. No wait, that's not it. Damn you, Tommy Tutone! [sighs] Only one thing to do. [dials number] 111-1111. Lois? Damn! [dials again] 111-1112. Lois? DAMN! [dials again] 111-1113.

Stewie

My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.

Stewie

Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.

Stewie

When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.

Stewie

Good God, does everything have to have a mascot these days? I mean look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil. Who is that for?[Lois grabs a different brand of aluminum foil] No, Lois! Don't get that one! Get the one with the lion in overalls!

Stewie

Brian, I've decided to run away. Don't come looking for me. And definitely don't chase me to the airport and catch me at the gate just before I'm about to get on a plane with, like, an emotional speech and possibly flowers. For instance, it would be awful if all the TSA people were gathered around watching this emotional moment, even the older black female carry-on scanner who initially stopped you at the baggage check, but after you told her of your intentions said, "Go get him, child," in flagrant disregard for all newly-implemented post-9/11 security measures. And if you were bringing a boombox to play music, I would suggest any one of the six songs:

Stewie

So again, ran away. Don't come after me.

Stewie

Watch your back, Simpsons, we're less than halfway there.

Stewie

Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or porn.

Stewie

That was a stroller, not a speedbump.

Stewie

Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do. I know what she should do: get your tubes tied, ya kook!

Stewie

[talking to Taylor Swift] Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles. Now, you don't have to say anything. I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure, and you indicate when I should stop. Okay, here I go. [Stewie starts pulling out the tape measure] Still going ... still going ... Oh my God, you bitch! Seriously?

Stewie

Ugh, this is going to be a Lois episode. [to the audience] Game of Thrones is on.