West quotes from Family Guy

West

"You know," said my pet goat, "I'm sure if I watched Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it, but I just don't have the time." [one of his agents walks in and whispers in his ear. Camera zooms in to him, he looks around and continues reading] "You should make the time," said the farmer.

West

"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]

Meg

Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...

West

My God! Somebody's stealing my water!

Meg

It just went down the drain.

West

They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!

Meg

You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]

West

Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.

Mayor West, you have lymphoma.

West

Oh, my...

Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.

West

I see...

What in God's name were you trying to prove?

West

I was trying to gain superpowers.

Well, that's just silly.

West

Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

Peter

Hey, how much for that fat guy in the circle? I don't see a price tag on that.

That's you.

Peter

Oh, oh, embarrassing. Eh, okay. Well in that case, I'll take the rest on a gift certificate.

Lois

Oh, sweetie, you look so handsome on TV!

I can't believe you actually won! But I suppose it's not the strangest thing I've seen on a game show...like when Adam West was on "Jeopardy!".

All right, players, the answer once again is, "It was the first spacecraft to land on the surface of Mars." Adam, what was your response? [West reveals his response; Trebek reads closely] "Kebert Xela." [groans; disappears]

West

Only saying his name backwards can send him back to the fifth dimension where he belongs.

West

We don't want you in our town, Simpson! We don't love you as we did in 1993!

Homer

D'oh!

West

And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either!

[greets each resident as they enter the mansion] Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.

Stewie

[to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.

Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West Mister.

Stewie

Oh, my God, seriously.

West

I know what you're all thinking but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.

Take a letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.

West

Oh, by the way, I should tell you I got aides.

What?

West

Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. [points to West's aides]

Ready to go when you are, sir.

West

Poor guys. They both have AIDS.

NOT OKAY!

Joe

Okay, let's pick teams; I'll be a captain and, uh... Mayor West, you could be the captain.

West

All right, I pick you.

Joe

You can't pick me, I'm a captain.

West

No-one ever stood up for me like that before; I respected him thereon out.

That's a great story, Grampa.

I didn't like it.

West

None of my grand children have ever disliked one of my stories before; from then on, he was my favorite.

Well. I don't like that story, Great-Grampa. [West stands up, and electrocutes the boy who disintegrates into dust]

West

[breaks fourth wall] Future old people are wizards.

Hey, what's wrong, Peter?

Peter

I miss my friend, Brian. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't get Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.

Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.

Peter

So what do I do, Brian?

Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence television. Maybe you can use that power to help restore television to the way it was.

Peter

You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and...

Peter

What the hell?!

Mayor West

That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!

Oh, my God! He destroyed every last box!

Peter

Holy crap!

We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get television back to the way it was.

Peter

Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian.

Peter

I think I just got an idea.

Peter

Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was.

Peter

I got it!

Peter

Aah! Son of a bitch!

I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison!

Oh no you don't!

Quagmire

Mom?

Crystal?

Mayor West

Hah! She's enjoyed many men.

And I think margs are gonna be on you after this adventure, huh?

Old West

I don't drink that shit.

Okay, we'll figure something out.