[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece Abby in line to see the mall's Santa]
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?
[not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.
Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! Are you excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.
[her eyes fill with tears]
That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?
Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.
Who said anything about dying?
AAbby
Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
[holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, angrily grinding his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get out of here.
[Brian and Stewie do so]
Should've gone into politics, Bri.
Don't worry, Santa. We'll make sure there's a Christmas this year.
SSanta
Thank you, Brian. That brings me peace in this hour. I'll be with Allah soon.
EElf
Uh, ye... He doesn't know what he's saying, he's delirious. Look, you'd better get moving.
All right, Stewie, let's go get the sleigh ready.
Is anyone else a little freaked out by that Allah thing?
Hey, who the hell are you?
What are you doing in my house?
Yeah, you're Santa Claus, that's why you broke in through the window, I'm calling the cops!
No, no no no, I-I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually-, it's kind of a funny story. [Stewie beats Dan with a baseball bat knocking him unconscious] What the hell did you do?!
He was gonna call the cops, man. You can't call the cops on Santa.
[Peter, still on Red Bull, is on The Price is Right with Drew Carey; it is time for the Showcase Showdown]
DDrew
Everybody, welcome back to The Price is Right. Time to spin the wheel. The top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter. Close as you can to a dollar without going over.
[Peter spins the Big Wheel rapidly]
DDrew
Alright. While we're waitin' for the wheel to spin, wanna say hi to anybody?
Oh, yeah, Drew! I wanna say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-Up Deaf Guy!
DDrew
[laughs] Okay. Sure they're happy to hear that.
[the wheel suddenly goes out of control and rolls out of position and runs over a few audience members as the rest exit screaming; the wheel crashes through the wall]
Whoa! Paramedics, come on down!
[he laughs uncontrollably]
Yeah, that's what YOU say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. [20th Century Fox logo plays] Alright. Let's see what you got, Fox. [map pops out from under the water on the screen] Oh, I bet that's a sea monster. [revealed to be logo for Underwater Map Productions] Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I've heard of them. [Once Upon a Time... shows up on screen] Here we go. Movie! ["STUDIOS" shows up from under the caption] Well, now that seems intentionally misleading. [airplane comes up on screen] Alright, someone's coming to town! [revealed to be logo for Arriving Flight Productions] Oh, for crying out loud! [image of India shown with the caption "India, 1853"] Alright, a period movie. [zooms out to show that it's the logo for Country-and-Date Productions] Oh, not a period movie. [guy on screen runs into a house in a thunderstorm] Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. [flashes and tints into black and white on-screen to show that it's the logo for Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films] OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!
This man wants to testify!
Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!
This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say, "Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart". But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
He doesn't even like Cher!
Mr. Swanson, can I ask you a personal question? What is it like having a disability?
Well, it isn't easy. But it's like we handicapped say: "When life gives you lemons, make leg-o-nade.
I guess I can relate to that. I mean, sometimes it's really hard being me, so when life gives me lemons, I guess I just make Meg-o-nade.
[after an exasperated Chris blows up in front of Peter and Lois]
I think we should go live with Mom...
I just heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating.
[after Mr. Washee Washee bans the entire Griffin family from his store at dinner when Peter again accuses him for stealing his shirt]
Great, Peter! Nice going! This dinner was a disaster!
Eh, Clash of the Titans owl was worse.
[cutaway to Peter, Lois, Joe, and Bonnie sitting at the Griffins' dinner table, with Bubo the mechanical owl at the head of the table]
So you're from Greece. Oh, I've always wanted to go there! What's it like?
[Bubo makes incomprehensible mechanical whistling noises]
Yeah, I can't… I can't understand a word he's saying.
Yeah, I told you, Lois, only Harry Hamlin can. If you're goin' to invite the owl, you got to invite Harry Hamlin.
[teeth clenched, sternly] I will not have Harry Hamlin in this house!
[after the fight and breakup]
Yup. Just waiting for my car.
[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.
No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.
It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.
[admittedly] Yeah, maybe.
Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.
You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead, I got a broster.
[flashback to a young Peter playing until his "broster" comes in his room]
BBroster
Hey, Peter, you wanna see my vegenis?
Uh... Uh-- I-- Uh, I-I don't know.
Oh, by the way, I should tell you I got aides.
Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. [points to West's aides]
AAide
Ready to go when you are, sir.
Poor guys. They both have AIDS.
[cut to Robert Loggia in a black background]
