Everybody, I've got bad news. We've been cancelled.
Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that?
Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That '80s Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pitts, Firefly, Get Real, FreakyLinks, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute With Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The $treet, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Luis and Greg the Bunny.
Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
[Meg is sitting on the couch watching the news. Jake's picture is shown on the screen in between Tom and Diane with his eyes obscured by a black bar] In local news, a Buddy Cianci Jr. High School student has been arrested for possession of drugs. The student has been sentenced to 200 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy! We now go to Ollie Williams with the Punishment Forecast. Ollie?
So you actually put coke in that kid’s locker?
[Greased-Up Deaf Guy comes on screen]
GUGreased-Up Deaf Guy
Don’t let it get the best of you! I used to be a lawyer. See you next week. Good to be back, America!
LMrs. Lockhart
Good morning, class.
COChris and other students
Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
LMrs. Lockhart
I graded your quizzes from yesterday. Most of you did well. Some of you, I think, can do better. What do you see here, Chris?
[she holds up Chris' failed quiz in front of her chest; Chris takes a gander]
[Lois thinks Chris has murdered Mr. Lockhart]
No, wait a minute! I can't call the police! I have to get rid of this body, or Chris'll go to prison! And we all know what happens in those prison showers. I've seen Oz.
[Cut to a group of prisoners singing in the shower]
PPrisoners
Scrub scrub here, scrub scrub there,
Whether you're white or bronze!
A man can wash another man
In the merry old land of Oz!
[sees Brutus] Peter, what the hell is that?
Ah, this is my seeing eye dog, Brutus.
What do you need a seeing eye dog for?
Well, 'cause I can't do anything for myself, Brian. I can't drive, I don't know when to cross the street, and I took a dump in a church confessional which I guess they frown upon if you're not homeless. I thought I could deal with being blind at first, but...I don't know. I-I haven't felt this out of place since that week I lived with Superman.
[cut to the Fortress of Solitude in Superman]
SSuperman
We must stop Lex Luthor before he irradiates the world's supply of gold. [Peter walks into the lair]
Uh, hi, uh, sorry. I know you've got a meeting going on, but, um...so, we are officially running low on Mr. Pibb and Cheez-Its. So, um, just putting it out there. If you're heading to the store later, uh, you know, uh, 800-mile drive for me, like, five seconds for you. Whatever. I'm not here.
Oh, please tell me this is some kind of practical joke. Like-like the kind I used to play when I was an intern at the hospital.
[Cutaway to hospital]
I'm afraid I have some very bad news. Your wife's going to be a vegetable. You'll have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her the rest of her life.
[laughs] No, no, no, I'm just kidding! She's dead!
Hey, you gotta start somewhere, fellas. That's how you evolve. Like when the Tin Man found out he was gay.
[cut to a scene from The Wizard of Oz. After leaning back and forth for a while, the Tin Man falls on the Scarecrow]
TMTin Man
Oh, oh, look what happened by accident.
Your wife's cheatin' on ya.
Yeah. It's actually a pretty funny story. A true story. Brian and I walked into your house, and she was with some guy goin': "Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!".
Hang on. I'm not done. "Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!" And then, she's all... [imitates Loretta] "Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!" "Bam! Bam! Bam!" You wanna take it from here, Bamm-Bamm?
[switch to Bamm-Bamm Rubble]
BBBamm-Bamm
[bangs his club] Bam-bam! Bam-bam-bam! [stops] You wanna take it from here, Emeril?
[switch to Emeril Lagasse]
So, that's what we're dealin' with here. Any thoughts?
All right, Cleveland. If this doesn't light a fire in your belly, nothin' will.
[he puts on a Quagmire mask]
Hey, look at me! I'm Quagmire! I had sex with your wife! Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!
[Cleveland laughs]
Those are so his mannerisms. [laughs]
Peter, what the hell are you doing?
I'm not Peter, I'm Quagmire! And I'm doin' you, Loretta!
[he puts a Loretta mask on Brian]
[the two act out Quagmire having sex with Loretta; they shout inaudiably, much to Cleveland's anger; Cleveland growls, grabs the Quagmire mask, and splits it in half]
Glenn Quagmire, YOU'RE DEAD!
My whole world has been turned upside down! Black is east, up is white!
Uh, Peter, I don't want to say "I told you so" for not being a genius, but... YEEEAAAAHHH! IN YO' FUCKIN' FACE, FUCKWAD! I'm...I'm sorry about that.
I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again!
Oh, yes, Meg, yes. Yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, this is the thing that will ruin your reputation. Not your years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, no, it's this. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
JJudge
Well, if there's nothing further, I hereby sentence--
Wait, wait, wait. Your Honor, there is something further. Look, I know I screwed up big time. But I only did it so I could get my kids back. I love them. And I think it's a bum rap that just because I'm retarded that makes me an unfit parent. There are plenty of unfit parents out there who aren't retarded but they get to keep their kids. Bing Crosby, Joan Crawford. I think the Ramseys still got one left. I just want them back, Your Honor, and you're the only one who can help me. What do you say?
JJudge
Are you kidding? You're a monster! In fact, if I could, I would put you in a place where you would be removed from the general public. Perhaps locked in a big, secure building with other dangerous people for a pre-determined period of time, based on the nature and degree of your offense. Unfortunately, as far as I know, no such place exists. So, I have no choice but to set you free.
Does that mean I get my kids back?
JJudge
Absolutely not! Case closed! [bangs his gavel]
Oh, crap! [to the judge] Oh, it was prison you were thinking of. Prison.
JJudge
Aw, I already banged the hammer!
[Lois tries to feed Stewie "aeroplane-style" and he knocks the spoon from her hand]
Well, I guess the pilot must have been JFK Jr. (realizes what he just said): Ugh, even I found that to be in bad taste.
QSQuagmire's Mother
Glenn, would you feed Mittens?
Mittens has food in his bowl!
QSQuagmire's Mother
That's old food! [Mittens meows]
Mittens, shut up! Mittens, SHUT UP!
QSQuagmire's Mother
Don't you talk to Mittens that way! Mittens is a member of this family!
Mom, you want this three-way to happen, you're gonna have to change your tone!
All right, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [he, Stewie, Chris and Brian chug the ipecac bottles] Okay, here we go. [short pause] How's everybody doing?
Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was-- [starts vomiting]
Ooh, one down! I know somebody who won't be having any-- [starts vomiting]
[feels his upset stomach] I'm starting to feel funny.
Well, I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna-- [starts vomiting]
Oh, boy! [gets up] That means I win! I get to eat the-- [starts vomiting]
[vomits again] Oh... Oh, God! Why didn't anybody tell me? But-- [vomits again]
Oh, my god! My insides are on fire-- [vomits again]
No, please...no more...no more, no-- [vomits again]
Dad, I'm scared... [vomits again]
Get the phone, call 911-- [vomits again]
Lois! Lois, Lois! Get in here-- [vomits again]
Ugh. Okay. Okay. I think it's all gone. I think i-- [vomits again]
I don't wanna... I don't wanna-- [vomits again]
Ugh! Peter, I need you to hold my ears--
[Brian vomits, Peter vomits on Brian's ears and Brian vomits again. The vomiting stops for a bit, everyone starts groaning and moaning, and the whole living room is covered in puke.]
[enters with a pot] Who wants chowder?
[Peter, Stewie, Brian and Chris resume vomiting, Lois sees them in shock]
LLiddane
[in tears] I'm sorry, Stewie. I'm just upset. Jeremy stopped calling me!
He what?! That blackguard! Oh, come here. Lemme just - lemme just hold you for a while...
[the two comfort each other, but Stewie touches Liddane's left breast; Liddane reacts, then slaps Stewie]
LLiddane
Stewie! No! That is a bad place to touch! No! No, no, no, no, no! No!
But... But... But... But I... I... You... I... I... [wails like a normal baby]
Well, how about no more job?! Hmm? You hear that, Miss Fussybritches?! I shall see you fired! Damn you! I thought we were going to go all the way and die together like Hitler and Eva Braun!
