Meg Griffin quotes from Family Guy

Meg

Dad, you're loud. You can't hold down a job. You got high blood pressure. You could be black if you didn't have a tiny ding-a-ling!

Meg

(as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented): The back is all mashed potatoes now.

Meg

Holy girl boner!

Meg

I'm using the ladies' room. How bad could it be? [goes into the ladies' room, a girlish scream is heard, and Peter exits] I saw a mouse.

Meg

Dad and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that a 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook. [Peter gets a notification] Mom. Don't "like" that!

Meg

Gentlemen, the going great is $20 a game over here. Who's got a pair of stones big enough to challenge The Mighty Meg?

Meg

[texting] Hey, guys. Home with groceries. It could use hand unloading. And send. [sends text] Now, I wait for them to come out and help their dear old mom.

Meg

Crap! Gene, they're coming! They're coming fast, Gene! Starting recording, Gene! GENE!!

Meg

Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could you please stop touching me there? I'm a woman. My pants are just bunched up.

Meg

So, do you like music?

Kevin

Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?

Meg

Uh, you first.

Kevin

I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

Stewie

Stupid greedy savages.

Lois

Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.

Stewie

Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.

Meg

Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?

Peter

Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!

Join us tomorrow for more Price is Right. This is Bob Barker, reminding you to help control the pet population. Have your pets spayed or neutered.

Oh, just die already.

Meg

EWW! Mom! Stewie peed on the rug again!

NO!

Meg

Wow, Chris, did you lose weight?

Chris

Um, maybe. I-I've been working out.

Meg

Well, you look wicked skinny. I'm, like, jealous!

Chris

Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache.

Meg

I don't have a mustache...do I?

Lois

Oh, honey, it's fine. It makes you look distinguished.

Meg

But, Mom!

Lois

Now, Meg, I think all my children are beautiful.

Stewie

Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth. How...dare you disobey me? [a passing baby in a stroller waves at him] What are you looking at you...you infantile...stupid? That's right, damn you and such. You can [yawns] go burn in Hell... [falls asleep]

Lois

Chris, is that a note?

Chris

...No.

Lois

Yes, it is. Would you like to read it for the rest of the class?

Chris

...No!

Meg

Just read it, lardo.

Chris

[reading the note] I think Mrs. Griffin is hot.

Lois

Go to your room.

West

"Got milk?" That's a funny one, too. Oh, and uh, "I got ya, diagonally." "Pretty sneaky, sis." That one's also funny. [goes to wash his hands]

Meg

Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour and I don't have anything I can use in my article. Can you just please...

West

My God! Somebody's stealing my water!

Meg

It just went down the drain.

West

They're crafty, I tell you. [waters a plant] It happens when you least expect it. [to the plant] Show yourself, damn you! I've been investigating him for months. It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money, but I'll find the culprits if it costs me a million!

Meg

You spent public money investigating this? Thanks. You know, I think I have my story. [leaves]

West

Your story? Wait a minute. You can't print that! It'll compromise my entire investigation! Well, thank God she's just a figment of my imagination.