Excellent. The mind control device is nearing completion.
Stewie, I said no toys at the table.
Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he'd ever seen.
But of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!
Very well then. Mark my words: when you least expect it, your uppance will come.
Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
[cutaway to a priest giving a sermon at church]
PPriest
And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...
GGod
[sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.
PPriest
...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.
[He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?
Man, that guy musta been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?
[cut back to the kitchen]
And then there was that time at the ice cream store...
[cutaway to the family at an ice cream store]
Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks ice cream and passes out immediately]
[cut back to the kitchen]
And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
[cutaway to a movie theater. Everyone is sobbing, except for Peter who stares blankly, then claps his hands]
I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!
HHanks
[on screen] I have AIDS.
[Peter laughing]
[playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
PPhone
Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
PPhone
Can you count to three?
Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.
[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli]
Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.
SMSoccer Mom
That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!
Hey, hey, hey, easy, fella, that's my kid! Now apologize.
SMSoccer Mom
Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass!
Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps]
BBoy
Hey, you hit my mom!
MMan
Whoa! Stand back! Give her some air!
You mean, give "him" some air.
WWoman
Call an ambulance! She's going into labor!
You...you mean, "he's" going into labor... [sound of baby wailing] Whoops.
Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.
[Peter and Chris Watch the Wheel Of Fortune. The puzzle reads "GO _UCK YOURSELF__"]
FCFemale Contestant
Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in."
[Claps and correct sounds are heard As the puzzle reveals "GO TUCK YOURSELF IN"]
Well, you were close, dad!
Yeah. I still can't believe we missed the phrase "my hairy aunt."
[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WFWASP Father
My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WMWASP Mother
Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WFWASP Father
[after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?
Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.
Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?
Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!
[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy]
TTrebek
[reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
[rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?
[after seeing the news about the heat wave]
[about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!
Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.
