[At the bookstore, Brian is complaining about his love life]
Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"
[cut to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]
MMan
You think it's easy workin' all day?!
MMan
You think I like it?!
WWoman
I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!
MMan
No, I- yeah, I like bein' away from you, 'cause I can't stand lookin' at you!
WWoman
You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]
MMan
Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!?!
WWoman
NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]
MMan
I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!
HHorton
[continues reading] I'm sure there's two sides to this.
You seem like a nice guy. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?
Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.
Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.
[cut to said clip]
MMoviefone
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
MMoviefone
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
MMatlin
[impatiently] The Last Mimzy.
MMoviefone
You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.
MMoviefone
You have confirmed 300.
MMort
I wanna get back on the motorcycle.
[sighing] I told you it's out of gas.
MMort
Why isn't the time machine working?!
MMort
I hate it here! I hate this goddamn place! It's all a bunch of shit! It's all a bunch of goddamn shit!
MMort
[furiously] No! Fuck you, Stewie! I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!
MMort
This is a bunch of shit!
Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up! Alright, just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you! You know, we could just leave you here!
MMort
Yeah, right! Just leave me here, that's great! We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish!
Oh, I've noticed. Helen Keller would notice.
Don't you mean your assneck?
MMort
Shut up, that's a real thing!
[Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]
HHitler
This filth is making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the soldiers cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...
HHitler
Unless they can sing a charming musical number.
[Stewie and Brian smile at each other as the music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]
SBStewie & Brian
Whenever-
MMort
[stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get on the fuckin' time machine?!
CCarl
Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.
Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?
Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?
CCarl
Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.
I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.
CCarl
Did you like the movie?
Well, that's not the point.
CCarl
Did you like the movie?
Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.
CCarl
So, you didn't like the eagle?
No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
CCarl
Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?
CCarl
Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
[the New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie; Stewie comes up and sits down next to him]
Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't pie without Cool Hwhip.
[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from the New Brian]
Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
[Still no reaction.]
Did you hear what I said?
NBNew Brian
Yeah, what about it?
It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
NBNew Brian
No, why would it?
Cool Hwhip. I'm emphasizing the H.
NBNew Brian
Sounds right to me.
Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
NBNew Brian
No, not really. I like everything.
God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
[the camera widens to reveal Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and the New Brian]
KKillington
Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
KKillington
Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company...
[Stewie groans]
Peter trying to get out of class, sees Quagmire through the door window, and smiles
Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son.
TTeacher
Really, because you like you belong to that boy over there.
Quagmire is shocked and horrified at seeing how many impregnated women carried his babies
Quagmire darts out of the room, down the hall, and accidently runs into another classroom
An average kid, that's just like him, thinks and asks if he's his papa
Quagmire shocked and horrified, "Oh, GOD!"
He accidently runs into another room, and sees a mixed Mexican child that looks just like him, and he shouts, "Oh, GOD!, again
He makes another way into to another classroom, and finds an appearently Downs' Syndrome child asking if he's his daddy, and Quagmire shouts, again, "Oh, GOD!"
Quagmire then runs into a hot chick, who he asks, "You don't have any kids, do you", she shakes her head, and he says, "Good... Hey, you wanna do it right here by the trash can?", and she gives the 'IDK', bashfully, and he smiles, with both of his thumbs up.
[When the spelling bee is over and Peter won]
Yeah, you're a smart fella', dad.
Yeah, you're a fart smella'!
Peter farts on Meg's face
Meg then after the fact is disgusted.
Come on, let's go home...
[Stewie is trying to write a song on his guitar for Susie Swanson]
Stewie "Susie".
[sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
"Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".
"Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".
"Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".
[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]
[Peter sits in a doctor's office, undergoing a medical trial. The doctor fills a syringe with a black fluid.]
DDoctor
This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't done anything funny.
[He injects Peter with the fluid. Peter immediately grows a beard and curly hair, à la Seth Rogen.]
[in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.
DDoctor
[laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!
