Carter quotes from Family Guy

Meg

Oh, my God!

Carter

He's violating Seabreeze!

Peter

Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.

Peter

So, uh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the, uh, big race is tomorrow, eh? Bet you're gonna need some big strapping men to help you with your boat.

Carter

Are you calling me gay?

Peter

No, no. I just - I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your, uh, on - on - on your poopdeck. [Carter punches Peter in the face, knocking him off his chair].

Peter

Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever!

Carter

Why would you do that?

Peter

'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.

Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family?

Peter

Sure!

Okay, then let's...

Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better!

Peter

Oh, really?

You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese?

Peter

What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing.

[shouting angrily] No! It won't be the same!

[to Peter] Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.

Peter

Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing.

I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.

Peter

Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.

[skipping merrily away] Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay!

Peter

[to Hamburger Helper] I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.

Carter

Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.

Peter

Oh my God! [Carter and his whore gasp in shock] Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?! Ewww!

Carter

No, no, this is my sister!

Peter

Ewww!

Carter

No, no, I'm impotent!

Peter

Ewww!

Carter

I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself!

Peter

Ewww!

Carter

I mean, she's a man!

Peter

'Ewww!'

We need more e's and w's down here now!

We're trying, we're running out of letters!

Just turn the m's upside down and send 'em down here!

You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can--

I don't care, I'll take the heat. Just turn 'em over and send 'em down!

Carter

[about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, you know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.

Chris

Let me show you something...

Carter

That... was... amazing! And Lynda Carter wasn't here?

Chris

No, that was just in your mind!

Carter

Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?

Chris

No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.

Carter

Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.

Carter

Now what do you want to do?

Peter

Well, we could watch porn. Have you heard of porn? Is that something you're aware of?

Carter

[excited] You have postcards from France?

Carter

Tear it all down, now! Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa!

Peter

What is "Kwanzaa"?

Carter

Ha! I knew it wasn't real!

Joe

I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.

But can't you at least just give me a ride?

Joe

No can do, Amigo.

Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.

Joe

Are you Brian?

Carter

Oh, no.

Lois

I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.

Carter

I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.

Lois

Well, that... That's why the whole family came to support you.

Carter

Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's there?

Lois

Oh, uh, ... Well, as you know. I'm here.

Carter

Who else?

Lois

Uh, Stewie and Brian.

Hey, hope you feel better soon.

Carter

That doesn't sound like the whole family.

Lois

[imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.

Carter

Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.

Lois

[mimicking Chris] I'm here too, Grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... To put money in the meter.

Carter

Ah, I don't care.

Peter

Oh, boy. Amber alert. Stewie was last seen with a goat in a 98 Toyota Tercel, heading north on I-95.

Carter

How do you turn those off, by the way?

Carter

[off-screen] Listen up! Everyone in the van! We're taking Tatum to the zoo!

Lois

[angry] The zoo?

Peter

[enters] The zoo? Why are we returning Chris? Hey, Mike, you hear?