The internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.
So is Derek Jeter safe?
[Umpire enters]
UUmpire
Safe! He's half black!
S18Yacht Rocky
S18Absolutely Babulous
Okay, Go, Stewie! Ha!, Isn't this exciting?
Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneelin' durin' the National Anthem.
[Kyle Kaepernick kneels during the National Anthem]
Boo! Get on your feet!
[Kyle stands up, but his gigantic afro blocks Peter's view]
Boo! Down in front!
It's a meaningless event. Like a bar mitzvah.
[cutaway to a boy's bar mitzvah]
It’s Lois.
RRabbi
Today, you are a man.
BBoy
Great! Can I drive?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I vote?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I drink?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I have sex?
RRabbi
No.
BBoy
Can I cash the checks?
RRabbi
Yes!
S18Disney's The Reboot
That woman looks exactly like me.
That's your reflection, Dad.
Oh ... I'm beautiful.
S18Cat Fight
CCCamp Counselor
I'd like to move on to having you all sign your contracts with God.
Contracts with God?
CCCamp Counselor
Yep, it's a written commitment, to forgo all alcohol, drugs, and self-pleasure.
...Yeah, I'm gonna have my lawyer look at this.
And the first to open their eyes is gay.
S18Peter & Lois' Wedding
This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told … The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense,...
Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?
And in go the earbuds.
I got a promotion at Blockbuster!
[everyone claps like in the theme song of Friends]
Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news.
I know, right? Do you know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is new gear!
S18Heart Burn
Dad and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that a 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook. [Peter gets a notification] Mom. Don't "like" that!
[Romeo takes poison and collapses]
LALois, as Juliet
Romeo? Romeo? Oh, wherefore?
PAPeter, as Romeo
Stupid...
JJuliet
I don't understand. We had a plan! Did you think I was dead just because I faked my own death?! Maybe there's still poison on your lips. [kisses Romeo] Mm.. alas... just CostCo hotdog... Well, a boy I knew for three days is dead. And on top of that, WNBA season is over, and it's still two months till figure skating starts!
[Juliet stabs herself]
S18Shanksgiving
We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.
I can't believe you invited the whole family. You know I hate big Thanksgiving.
Don't worry, Peter. It's gonna be fun and I can handle most of the prep, myself. I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.
That's not so bad.
Oh, and pick up some wine for the adults.
I can do that.
And put the extra leaf on the dining room table.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off.
[cutaway to Bonnie's sister visiting]
Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
[Wendell enters, being a man with ALS]
Wendell.
WWendell
Joseph.
It's just Joe, I think you know that.
S18Christmas is Coming
[Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]
Wow, okay, uh...Stewie. I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her "little mermaid Moana".
(Meg discovers that Peter is working as a mall Santa)
Dad, I'm going to ask you one question, and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?
No.
Meg (relieved): Oh, thank God!
Now, Meg, I got a question for you: is there really a weight limit for the escalator, or did I just meet some mean kids?
S18Connie's Celica
Your mother's right, Chris. You don't wanna miss this up, like Skee-Lo messed up his wishes.
[cutaway to Peter watching Skee-Lo making his wishes to a genie]
SLSkee-Lo
Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat.
[The genie grants Skee-Lo's wishes by making him slightly taller, making a basketball appear in his hands, and making a magician's hat containing a rabbit holding a baseball bat appear on the ground]
[exasperated] Skee-Lo!
SLSkee-Lo
What?
You need money!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Family Guy pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.