Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do have any idea?
You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes -which I did in 1998.
[Shows photo of horse using an adding machine.]
S19Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind
[Just as Homer accidentally destroys his own kiss memory like we did in "The Way We Weren't"]
Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss!
Now who was it with?
Uh...Apu.
Right!
S19E. Pluribus Wiggum
[On the phone]
I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.
Marge, that was a joke.
But it comes from a true place...
[After Homer suggests the town build a new fast-food district.]
To raise the money, we'll need a bond issue.
But won't that shift a burden to your children?
No, you idiot. We just pay with another bond issue. [points to Maggie] Let her figure out someone to dump it on.
[Maggie looks over to the side and sees that there's nobody sitting next to her. She crosses her arms in annoyance.]
Ralph can't be President! He's the dumbest person in the slowest reading group!
Lisa, being President is easy! You just point the Army and shoot!
And Ralph is only eight years old! It says in the Constitution you have to be 35!
The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the PATRIOT Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.
[mockingly] Ooh, the PATRIOT Act is so terrible! The government might find out what library books I take out! What's next, finding out what operas I go to? [High-fives Bart.]
[An alarming amount of presidential hopefuls descend on the Simpson house when they see that the Simpsons haven't decided whom to vote for yet.]
If you haven't sprung from or aren't married to my loins, get the hell out of this house!
[All the candidates leave, except for someone hiding behind a plant.]
You too, Fred Thompson!
FTFred Thompson
But I was in Die Hard.
[scoffs] Die Hard Two!
S19That 90's Show
[The family is freezing by the fireplace.]
We wouldn't be in this trouble if you'd just paid the heating bill!
I thought global warming would take care of it! Al Gore can't do anything right!
Mom, I didn't know you went to college.
Yeah. You've always said that after high school, Dad "blessed" you with the unplanned miracle of me.
Hey, parents are allowed to keep some secrets.
Like which kid's their favorite. [whispering] It's Lisa.
Things happened between your mother and me that we're not proud of. It was the middle of a wild decade known as the 1990s.
The 90s? Never heard of it.
You know, these Ikea foam futons do velcro together...
I'm sorry, I don't want to do that yet. I want to wait until I'm married, or at least really drunk.
I understand. We should follow the lead of today's celebrity rolemodels. [points out of the window at a sign saying "Sonic the Hedgehog says: Wait until marriage"]
You applied to college? Why didn't you tell me?
I did tell you.
I thought you were telling me you wanted to apply yourself to making a collage! And as I recall, I was against it.
And that is why The Lord of the Rings can never be filmed!
Did you know that every U.S. President has been a straight white man?
Even Walt Disney?
[The show comes back from a commercial break]
Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?
It seemed like twenty.
[sharing his and Marge's items into separate boxes] Okay, I'll keep the LPs, and you take the CDs, I'll take the typewriter, you take the computer, I'll take the Enron stock, you take the Microsoft stock, and...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.