Our next budget item: $12 for doorknob repair.
[A burning Groundskeeper Willie tries to escape, but the doorknob falls off]
Recharge fire extinguishers? Now, this is a, uh, free service of the fire department...
[Groundskeeper Willie tries to use the fire extinguisher, but it's empty; he breaks out of the furnace room and runs into the classroom]
Groundskeeper Willie[still on fire] Help! Please help me!
Willie, please! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.
Er, I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having 2 spaghetti meals in one day.
[Groundskeeper Willie explodes into flame and screams for a few seconds; the parents turn to watch]
Groundskeeper Willie
[looking like a skeleton] You'll pay for this...with your children's blood!
Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?
Groundskeeper Willie
I'll strike where you cannot protect them... in their dreams!
Bart! Do you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!
Heh! Welcome to my world! [falls asleep and snores]
[Bart and Lisa try hard to stay awake that night. Lisa gives Maggie a Buzz Cola to drink while the three children watch "Asian Market Wrapup."]
TATV Announcer
There's a volcano waiting to erupt in the Pacific Rim. Its name: medium-term convertible debentures.
It's no use, Bart. We can't stay up forever.
You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force Willie into a final showdown. You stay awake, and if it looks like I'm in trouble, wake me up.
OK. But promise you won't be grouchy.
Hey, Lawn Boy! You missed a spot! [motions to the sandbox]
Groundskeeper Willie
When I'm done with you, they'll have to do a compost-mortem!
I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.
Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]
Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!
Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]
Hey now, that's uncalled for.
[Lenny punches Principal Skinner in the stomach, knocking him into the aisle stairway. He collides with Barney's beer tray, spilling it. Barney, enraged, runs headfirst into the increasingly large number of people fighting on the stairs, knocking and bowling them over. Meanwhile, a group of Scottish men watching the game stare bored at nothing in particular].
Groundskeeper Willie
Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!
[The men, rolling up their sleeves, start to pound anyone who comes near them. It's not long before the entire stadium is embroiled in a violent riot, from people getting tackled to Groundskeeper Willie's soccer hooligan friends hitting people with pipes to two East Asian guys in karate robes kicking each other in the face to Nelson sitting on Milhouse and pulling his leg back as Milhouse screams and cries. The Simpsons stand next to their seats.]
Homer, we've got to get out of here!
Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]
SScotsman
[turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]
[Rev. Lovejoy tries to knock out Homer, but fails.]
Oh, the devil's given him superhuman strength.
Groundskeeper Willie
[Snatches the bat from Reverend.] Gimme that, you noodle-armed choir boy!
[Willie tries to knock out Homer, but fails as well.]
Well that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.
[Bart and Homer are escaping from Groundskeeper Willie through the air ducts. Willie grabs Homer by the ankle.]
Willie
Not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. [Raises his fists.] But, the lads have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!
[Willie starts punching Homer with hard blows while Homer is screaming in pain.]
Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!
Willie
[Willie stops briefly] Okay, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while! [Willie strangles Homer with his hose, and one of Homer's eyes bulges out of its socket.]
Groundskeeper Willie
Let's see what's been captured in the Up-Kilt camera. Ugh, this lass needs a bit of groundskeepin'. Agh, that's Willie!
My name is Mary. I'm 45, heavy, and willing to settle for less.
Wow. This Mary's got the whole package.
Wow, Dad, You're surfin' like a pro.
Oh, yeah, I'm betting on jai alai in the Cayman Islands. I invested in something called News Corp--
Dad, do we have any money left?
Well, let's check the old bank account. See? Even after my cyber squandering, we've still got $1,200.
All right, dorks, this is a holdup. Oh, yes! Download to papa. Yoink dot adiós, back-slash losers.
In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases or comical accents.
Groundskeeper Willie
Aye.
SMThe Sea Captain/Captain McCallister
Yargh.
Professor Frink (sobbing): Oh glay-vin! Why glay-vin?
But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there...and we thought she always would be.
[after Richard is kidnapped] Whoa! He's gone!
There must be a Stargate in this stadium!
BBenjamin
Everybody look for it!
Wait, wait! I have some even more exciting news! There's a girl in the audience!
BBenjamin
Everybody look for her!
[the nerds close in on Willie]
Willie
This is a kilt! And I'm not a girl!
You're the closest we'll ever get! Get him!
Pardon my birdie, I misjudged the privellian winds.
YOU EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF LISA!!
[Milhouse inflicts Wet Willie on Martin and another kid]
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Milhouse, what's gotten into you?
Over the years a lotta people have hurted me! Good thing I kept this list. [Shows Lisa a list of people have wronged him and then chuckles evilly]
No, no, you already got your revenge!
You wouldn't give me Chinese Cuts in the lunch line! [Inflicts Wendell a Wedgie] You laughed when I threw up in the Glass blowing tour! [Inflicts Lewis a Wedgie] Girls like you better! [Inflicts Richard a Stop Hitting Yourself] Your parents are married! [Inflicts the rest of the kids a Stop Hitting Yourself, Wedgie and Wet Willie]
Ay, caramba! [Back at the present] That's the only line I get in your stupid story?
There are no small parts, just small actors.
[Back at the story, Milhouse keeps inflicting punishments on his enemies]
NKNew Kid
This is my first day at this school! I haven't done anything to you!
You will! This is prevenge! [Inflicts Freshman Facial on the kid an falls on his face in a mud puddle, then Groundskeeper Willie walks by and sees the kid and Milhouse]
Willie
Well, look, it's Milhouse! What's the power glove for? Opening the cap on his weirdo pills? [Milhouse inflicts Ultimate Noogie on Willie which severes his head off, though he's still alive]
[walks by] Willie, clean up this mess!
Willie
Alright! [Starts licking his blood]
Milhouse, don't you see? You're addicted to revenge!
You'll learn to love it when you're my queen!
I see. [Chuckles nervously] While it would be an honor to be your queen...
I feel it would be best if we just stay as friends.
NOBODY SPARES MY FEELINGS!! [Gets ready to shoot Lisa but starts to decide not to]
I can't do it, I can't hurt you Lisa! [Throws the glove away but then Nelson picks it up]
Ha Ha! You forgot about me 'Cuz I had the mumps! [Inflicts all the glove's options at Milhouse]
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
