Barney Gumble quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!

Barney

[off-key] I wanna dance the night away! [Abraham enters the scene]

Grampa

What the hell are you two doin'?!

Barney

It's called "rocking out"!

Homer

You wouldn't understand, Dad. You're not with it.

Grampa

I used to be "with it". But then they changed what it was! Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me. [points sinisterly at Homer] It'll happen to you!

Homer

No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' forever! Forever! Forever!

Homer

[dejected] Forever... forever... forever...

Homer

All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.

[hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Barney

[dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.

[Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

[drunk, singing] Wasting away again in Margaritaville...

Barney

[drunk, singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt – oh, here it is!

Barney

Hello fishies.[Belches]

Aright rummy, I'm gonna say it to ya plain and simple. Where'd ya pinch the hooch? Is some Blind Tiger jerkin' suds on the side?

Barney

[Pause] ...Yes?

Homer

Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

Homer

No, I won't accept that.

No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]

Barney

[takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!

Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

Barney

Aw...

[checks his watch] Uh oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out fellas! [Hordes of mice run out of the bar as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies walk in]

Homer

Evening, Moe.

Barney

[comes out of the bathroom] Morning, Moe.

Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

[disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.

Barney

Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me, "hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?

Barney

No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

Homer! Thank God! You gotta help me!

Homer

[picks up a flaming 2x4] Oh I'll help you...help you die!

Barney

[emerging from the bathroom to see Homer and Moe unconscious] Moe! Homer! [screams as he sees the fire heading towards the counter] Aagh! The booze!

Homer

Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.

Barney

Where you going?

Homer

I've joined the Naval Reserve.

Barney

Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!

Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!

And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey, I'm in too.

Homer

Gee, thanks guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]

Didi mau! Didi mau! [as Krusty reaches for the gun, Moe interrupts]

I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Barney

Mayday, mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!

Homer

You mean water?

Barney

Yeah, that's it.

Hey Bart, what's your favorite thing about teachers conference day?

Bart

Hmm, well, I guess that we don't have to go to school.

Wow, mine too!

Bart

The world is completely different on a weekday morning. Banks are open, old people are walking the streets with impunity. And look, Barney's not even drunk yet.

Barney

Morning, boys, can't stop to chat, time is money.

Homer

Morning, Barney.

You know what makes it even sweeter? While we're out having fun and walking around like crazy, those teachers are cooped up in school like morons.

Principal Skinner

Hmm, here we go again.

Skinner!

Hi, I'm Ed McMahon. Tonight on Fox, from the producers of "When Shorts Fall Off" and "Secrets of National Security Revealed", it's "World's Deadliest Executions."

Thank you, chickie pies.

Homer

The chair? How come they only do crucifixions during sweeps?

Snake played lacrosse at Ball State University.

Chief Wiggum

So long, Snake. You'll never harm another person with secondhand smoke. [ Chief Wiggum pulls the switch. Snake is jolted with electricity. Smoke from his body fills the execution chamber, causing everyone to have a coughing fit]

[groaning, weakly] Dude... [dies]

Hey-oh!

Chief Wiggum

All right. Now, let's get this carcass over the hospital and crave it up for organs.

Barney

Dibs on the liver!

Homer

Whoo-hoo! Marge, they found a donor. I'm saved.

Hey, isn't that Homer on the Japanese channel?

Wait a minute. If that's Homer, who's been putting beers on his tab?

Barney

[dressed unconvincingly as Homer] D'oh! Woo-hoo! Uh.... That boy ain't right!

Carl

Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...

I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!

Barney

Legally, you could give us free beer! [Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him] Ow!

Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!