Barney Gumble quotes from The Simpsons

Barney

David Crosby? You're my hero!

David Crosby

Oh, you like my music?

Barney

You're a musician?

[singing tiredly] For all the latest medical poop

[to Homer] This is worse than your song about Mr. T.

Homer

I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?

Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.

Barney

Barbershop is in danger of growing stale. I'm taking it to strange new places.

Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches] Number eight... [Barney belches]

Homer

[during the closing credits] I'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and I hope we passed the audition. [Everyone laughs, including Barney. After the laughter dies down]

Barney

I don't get it.

Hey, don't bogart that Squishee! [Barney chugs the all-syrup Squishee]

Barney

I dunno where you magic pixies came from, but I like your pixie drink.

Homer

Moe, I need your advice.

Yeah?

Homer

You see, I have this friend named Joey Joe Joe...Junior...Shabadoo.

Homer, that's the worst name I've ever heard. [a man in the bar runs out, crying]

Barney

Hey, Joey Joe Joe!

Lisa

[to Bart] And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer

[breaking a lamp] D'oh!

Bart

Ay, caramba!

Marge

[groans]

Maggie

[sucks her pacifier]

Flanders

Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney

[belches]

Ha, ha!

Mr. Burns

Excellent.

Lisa

If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room. [She walks away.]

Homer

What kind of catchphrase is that?

Homer

[lowers a table out of the hotel window; then drops it] Got it, Barn?

Barney

[offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!

Principal Skinner

You're stealing a table?

Homer

I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!

Principal Skinner

Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?

Homer

Souvenir.

Barney

My name is Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

Lisa

Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting!

Barney

Is it, or is it you girls can't admit you have a problem?

Homer

[thinking] 'Hmm... Barney's movie had heart, but "Football in the Groin" had a football in the groin.'

Barney

[on-screen] Don't cry for me, I'm already dead.

Homer

Wow. I'll never drink another beer.

Beer here!

Homer

I'll take ten.

Barney

I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.

Mayor Quimby

Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

Barney

Just hook it to my veins!

Barney

Hey Moe, what'll ya give me for an AA chip?

Uh Barney, this is a 5-minute chip. Eh, it's worth a Pabst.

Barney

These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure I'm dizzy and nauseous, but where is the inflated sense of self-esteem? [a barfly babbles indistinctly, collapses]

Hey, if you guys are getting get loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya. [a man and a woman in chemical suits come in]

Man alive! There are..men alive in here.

I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. [Barney burps. The meter rapidly beeps]

Alright, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.

Damn Burns. Let me just get one thing. [grabs under and cocks shotgun and leaves]

Barney

Me too. [grabs pistol from under bar stool] Ahh! Now, there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

Get rid of it all.

Barney

Hey Moe, you could've at least kept the fire extinguishers.

Nah, too many bad memories.

[enters Moe's Tavern] Uh... hello. Got a help wanted sign on the window?

Uh, yeah. I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.

I'll just wait out back until then.

Barney

I look forward to working with you!

Homer

Mr. Smithers wait! You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices. You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself that there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back!

You're right! But I'm gonna need your help.

Oh My God!

Beer delivery. Just sign here. Oh, No! It's you!

Barney

[laughing] [Truck Driver: Hey!] Oh boy! [Truck Driver: give me that!] No! [empty metal containers rolling] [burps loudly]

Say Barn. Uh, remember when I said I had to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?

Barney

[laughs] Oh yeah. We all had a good laugh Moe.

The results came back in. [picks up a huge stack of paper and reads it] "You owe me $70 billion."

Barney

Hmmm?!

Wait no that was for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab is $14 billion.

Barney

All's I got is 2,000 bucks.

Well that's halfway there. [puts the money in the cash register just as Snake bursts through the door]

Freeze, Dude! Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off!

I'm behind 3 inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst!

All right. [opens the cash register and takes Moe's money]

No! Stay out of there! Oh! Good God! No! [turns on and off the light many times]

Ho! Goodbye student loan payments! Ha! Ha! [leaves Moe's Tavern]

Come back here you..! Hey I wonder how much air is in here? [faints]