Carl Carlson quotes from The Simpsons

Carl

Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...

I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!

Barney

Legally, you could give us free beer! [Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him] Ow!

Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!

Homer

So if you're tired of dating the same old losers!

Carl

...What are you doing, Homer?

[after looking at his face in the year's calendar] Am I really that ugly?

Carl

Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? [Lenny gasps] Is Barney that drunk? [Barney gasps] Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? [Homer gasps]

Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! [He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.]

Carl

[to the audience] See, this is why I don't talk much.

Oh, yeah, Bart was throwing money all over the place. He even paid me and Carl $1,000 to kiss each other!

Carl

Hey, did we ever get that money?

[in high child's voice] Snorky speak man... [coughs, deep voice] I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

What did he say!

Carl

He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.

[surprised] What?

Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.

Marge

But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...

We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa

Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.

[gasps] That was you?

Homer

It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!

I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!

Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]

I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

Homer

So you all hate me?

That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.

Carl

Not to mention driving to.

And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.

You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.

Homer

Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.

Power off, Einstein.

[seeing Comic Book Guy] Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?

Homer

Aw, now be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.

Oh, sorry. Uh, let me buy you a drink.

Comic Book Guy

Very well. I'll have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [indicates the bottles behind Moe]

[laughs awkwardly] Uh, these, uh, they're just painted on there. [pats the flat wall] Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. [takes out egg jar]

Comic Book Guy

I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

Carl

Hey, you knockin' beer?

Nobody badmouths Duff! [breaks a Duff bottle against the counter, causing it to break] Ah, piece of crap!

Homer

Come on, you're here to make friends.

Comic Book Guy

Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.

Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners!

Carl

Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!

GET HIM!

And stay out! [they go back inside]

Comic Book Guy

Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness"? [checks book] Ah, yes: Gar-dacchk!

L.T. Smash

It's a three-pronged attack. Subliminal, liminal, and super liminal.

Lisa

Super liminal?

L.T. Smash

I'll show you.... [Shouts out the window at Lenny and Carl] HEY YOU! Join the navy!

Carl

Yeah, alright.

I'm in!

Duffman

Hey Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar loooove Duff?

Carl

Hey, it's Duffman!

Newsweek said you died of liver failure.

Duffman

Duffman can never die, only the actors who play him. Ooh yeah!

[looks at his destroyed tavern[ Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses. [pours some gasoline over the counter and sets it on fire with a match stick]

Carl

Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?

Oh, crap.

I say Phantom Menace sucked more!

Carl

I say Attack of the Clones sucked more!

Carl

Hey, Homer. I'm your secret Santa. Merry Christmas, big guy.

Homer

Oh, my god! A DVD player!

Carl

And the first season of Magnum P.I., with commentary by John Hillerman. Apparently, working in Hawaii was a pleasure.

Homer

Oh, Carl, you remembered I like TV.

Alright, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get some sweet mermaid sex!

For the last time, those are SALMON!

Skinner

Homer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?

Homer

Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!

Skinner

Who are all of you people?

Carl

We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.

Skinner

I can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.

SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!

Skinner

[chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?

You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.

Homer

So what's Stephen Hawking doing here?

I live here now. You're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesars down the street. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Sorry, that button sticks.

Homer

So why didn't you invite me?

Carl

We couldn't tell you ahead of time because you'd spill the beans.