Carl Carlson quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

[about Cameron as he walks onstage in a flashy costume and shades] He's about to learn one of the most important lessons in the music business: don't trust people in the music business.

[singing] I'm a privileged boy, it's great, I gotta tell ya. Privileged boy, my dad could buy and sell ya. It really doesn't matter that you're on the list in front of me. I'm gonna get your table 'cause I always tip the maitre d'. And then I'll go to Yale, [shows a diploma] because I am a legacy! [down on one knee and pointing at the crowd] I'm better than you!

BOOOO!!

Carl

You SUCK, Johnny Rainbow!

[as he tears up a picture of "Johnny Rainbow"] I believed in you!

Bart

Well, Homer, looks like I can't go to discipline camp. Which is too bad, 'cause I think this was the thing that would finally straighten me out.

Homer

[angrily grabs Bart by his shirt] Oh, yeah? You're going to that camp 'cause I'm going to drive you there.

Bart

Yeah, that will be way more fun than Vegas.

Homer

D'OHHHHHHHHH!

Carl

Oh, dang, Homer ain't coming.

[offscreen] Haw, haw!

Carl

And Nelson saw something funny!

Carl

I don't get it. What's so "great" about this depression?

I like how everything's in sepia tone. Makes me all nostalgic.

I didn't think it would come to this when I fought in the First World War.

"First World War"? Why do you keep calling it that?

Oh, you'll see!

Carl

How did your date go, Moe?

Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

Homer

Carl, do you know heavyweight champion, Drederick Tatum?

Carl

What, you think just because I'm black I know all other black people?!

Homer

uh...um, well, uh.

Carl

Actually, Drederick and I are very good friends. We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.

A little tip... you might want to wash me before you eat me.

Barney

All right!

Carl

Yeah, you better!

Thank you.

I just have to warn you, Marge...

Marge

I could do worse!

We're proof that you could do worse!

Homer

She couldn't possibly do worse!

Homer

Ye-bonjour!

Carl

Homer, there's a moth in my room. Where are you?

Homer

Where I should have been all along. In Springfield.

Carl

What? Get back to the Eternal City of Lights at once or you're fired!

Homer

Oh, I don't think so. You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's French first lady Carla Bruni. You fire me, and I'll call Nicolas Sarkozy, and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.

Carl

You wouldn't dare!

Homer

Oh, wouldn't I? Just listen! [dials other cell phone]

[on phone] Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.

Carl

All right, Homer, you win. Give Marge my best.

Homer

I will, but first, I'll be giving her mine.

I'm gonna miss Ted, he was a good supervisor.

Carl

Definitely hands off. He didn't mind if we punched in late, or not at all.

Homer

And he didn't mind that we made a few changes to the soda machine... mmm... beer.

Mr. Burns

We have to cut costs.

But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than doughnuts.

Carl

Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.

And all the joke ID badges we ordered.

Mr. Burns

No doughnuts!

No!

Homer

D'oh!

Carl

Nuts!

Mr. Burns

Exactly!

Carl

Homer, you don't look fat.

Homer

Oh, Carl. You're a liar, but I love it.

Homer

[to Maggie] Let her slice off the tip of your ear and she'll go right to sleep.

Carl

No.

Homer

That's not a choice you get to make.

Carl

Why don't we talk about it over at Moe's?

Homer

It's not even noon.

Carl

Yeah, I got a watch, egghead.

Read 'em and weep. The novels of Charlotte Brontë.

Carl

I thought we were playing cards.

Don't you idiots see what this means?

Idiots? Why do we re-elect this guy?

Carl

Because his opponent has a long Slavic name.