Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.

Homer

I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.

Whaa?

[holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.

I thought dreams was on goldenrod.

No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

[in high child's voice] Snorky speak man... [coughs, deep voice] I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

What did he say!

Carl

He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.

[surprised] What?

Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.

Marge

But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...

We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa

Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.

[gasps] That was you?

Homer

It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!

I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!

Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]

I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.

Homer

Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret.

No.

Homer

Not even a little one?

No!

Homer

What if I just whisper it?

No, I tells ya!

Homer

So you all hate me?

That's right, brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for working.

Carl

Not to mention driving to.

And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.

You ain't welcome here no more, smart boy.

Homer

Hmm. I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern.

Power off, Einstein.

[seeing Comic Book Guy] Hey, Homer, who's the manatee?

Homer

Aw, now be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital.

Oh, sorry. Uh, let me buy you a drink.

Comic Book Guy

Very well. I'll have a shot of cranberry schnapps. [indicates the bottles behind Moe]

[laughs awkwardly] Uh, these, uh, they're just painted on there. [pats the flat wall] Your choices are beer and, uh, egg soakings. [takes out egg jar]

Comic Book Guy

I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

Carl

Hey, you knockin' beer?

Nobody badmouths Duff! [breaks a Duff bottle against the counter, causing it to break] Ah, piece of crap!

Homer

Come on, you're here to make friends.

Comic Book Guy

Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner.

Oh, now he's ragging on air conditioners!

Carl

Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal!

GET HIM!

And stay out! [they go back inside]

Comic Book Guy

Is there a word in Klingon for "loneliness"? [checks book] Ah, yes: Gar-dacchk!

Howard K. Duff

Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.

Homer

Oh, me so hungy.

Howard K. Duff

Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. So why not break your fast with our brand new Isotope Dog Supreme?

Homer

[Smells the hot dog]. Oh, so hard to resist. Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish... Wait a minute, those are South Western ingredients! [The crowd gasps]. Mango-lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavour they enjoy in... [Grabs the microphone]. Albuquerque!

He's right.

Yeah, and the wrapper says Albuquerque Isotopes

Sideshow Mel

Homer was right, they're planning to move the team!

Howard K. Duff

Now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty.

Homer

Tell the truth! Come on, everybody!

Tell the truth! Tell the truth!

Howard K. Duff

Get him out of here!

Homer

Don't listen to him, Duffman. For once in your life, stand up for the little guy.

Duffman

New feelings brewing in Duffman! What would Jesus do?

Ah, who am I kidding. I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the icepick. Heh. Remember that?

Homer

That was an amazing throw.

Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back, "hey would you cuddle me"?

No thanks.

[angry] Ooh, that little...!! [begins using the telegraph] I'm gonna drive a Golden Spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific! STOP!

[looks at his destroyed tavern[ Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses. [pours some gasoline over the counter and sets it on fire with a match stick]

Carl

Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?

Oh, crap.

Barney, how do you keep getting back in?

Barney

I'm a drunk, I don't know nothin' about how I do anything.

Homer

Won't joining the army take me away from my family for two years?

A large target like you will be home a lot sooner than that.

The Salvation Army? You got it! [arms a two-barreled shotgun]

Marge

[Reads the firsthand line of Moe's letter to Homer] "Dear Pusbag".

Homer

Whoa, Marge. Who'd you piss off?

[yells] It's for you, pusbag!

Lisa

[seeing what her parents are up to] Tracking software? [gasps] You're spying on Bart!

Marge

Honey, keeping track of someone because you love them is not wrong. It shows you care.

[Listening to Marge via his own bugging device in the basement] That's right my beautiful, beautiful Midge. [Laughs] Soon, you'll be mine.

[observing Moe via spy camera] Keep talking, creepo.

Every word buys you a year in the slammer.

I'm selling all sorts of faith based knick knacks. [points to bumper stickers]

Let's take a look.

[reading bumper stickers] I'd commit arson for the Parson. Clergyman can kiss my apse. And all kinds of gems. Surprisingly none of them have sold. Except for this one. [holds up button that reads "Welcome Parson"]