Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

[after giving a bribe to Mayor Quimby, and under this some cockroaches start walking] We're working on that 'roach situation, I swear to God!

Mayor

[pauses briefly, then takes the money] Well, you should see the hospital.

[sighs] Ah, no one touched my rumaki.

Homer

[throws it at him] WOOOO, RUMAKI!!!

All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.

Homer

Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!

Bart

You can't make us come down!

You adults are always giving orders!

Skinner

Well, you kids are always disobeying them!

Well, adults treat kids like children!

Kirk

Kids treat adults like cash machines!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Rev. Lovejoy

Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!

Homer

Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!

Marge

[embarrassed] Hmm...

Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]

Krusty

Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]

Marge

Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!

Edna Krabappel

Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!

Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]

Oh, what a bunch of brats!

We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]

Bart

Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!

Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!

Lisa

Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!

I just ate a thumbtack!

Adults! They're always telling us to--

[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!

Jasper

Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]

We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...

Don't you treat us like...

Can't you just lay off...

We're sick of all of you...

KIDS...TO...DAY!

We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!

Homer

Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?

Krusty

Yeah, you old fogies!

Buzz off, you old buzzards!

You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.

Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour! Where the hell's the game?!

Homer

You guys are following me?! I was following Flanders!

Homer

Moe, this is Astrid, my dealer, and these are my fans: Gunter, Kilto, and Cecil Hamstead on Cecil Cecil.

So, uh, you guys are Euro trash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?

Eh, to be honest, we are a drift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex.

Uh-huh, so where might this sea be located?

At auction, I'd expect this to sell for $20-30,000. Except that on the handle, somebody's carved "Homer Rocks!"

Homer

And I do! WOO!!

Appraised value: $15.

I'm gonna kill him! I'M GONNA KILL HIM!! [picks up Skinner's antique gun, which disintegrates]

Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.

Homer

Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me.

All right, it's closing time. Who's payin' the tab?

Homer

[imitating Hawking's voice] I am.

I didn't say that.

Homer

[still imitating Hawking] Yes, I did. [Hawking hits Homer in the face with the boxing glove from his wheelchair] D'oh.

Hey, isn't that Homer on the Japanese channel?

Wait a minute. If that's Homer, who's been putting beers on his tab?

Barney

[dressed unconvincingly as Homer] D'oh! Woo-hoo! Uh.... That boy ain't right!

Homer

The first meeting of Hell's Satan's comes to order.

Flanders

I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.

How about the Devil's Pals.

Flanders

No, see-

Or the Christ Punchers!

Flanders

The Christ Pu... I don't think you understand my objections.

Carl

Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...

I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!

Barney

Legally, you could give us free beer! [Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him] Ow!

Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!

Homer

Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics". They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! [one of the monkeys screams] Ha-ha! He ain't pretty no more!

Aw, I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted cantaloupe!

Krusty

Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

[after looking at his face in the year's calendar] Am I really that ugly?

Carl

Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? [Lenny gasps] Is Barney that drunk? [Barney gasps] Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? [Homer gasps]

Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! [He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.]

Carl

[to the audience] See, this is why I don't talk much.

I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"

Homer

Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.

Okay, last stop, Channel 6.

Homer

You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?

Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. [Flashback.] It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, "It Never Ends". [Reads a script.] 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'

Thank you, next! What were you thinking?

Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.

I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.