Howard K. Duff quotes from The Simpsons ... TV Quotes Database

Played by Stacy Keach

In 4 of the 3,477 quotes from The Simpsons
Most scenes with: Homer Simpson (3)

Scenes with Howard K. Duff 4

Howard K. Duff

Say, before you leave, Homer, why don't you try our newest product? We've developed an additive that makes Duff beer super, super malty.

Homer

[Suspicious] Will this erase my memory?

Howard K. Duff

No, of course not.

[Homer goes to drink, then is syringed by Duffman. He collapses]

Howard K. Duff

[sipping the beer]. Man, this IS malty. But he'll never know!

[Duff and Duffman laugh maniacally]

S12 Hungry, Hungry Homer

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[Nighttime, day 9 of his hunger strike, an emaciated Homer sits in his chair and weakly waves his sign as the crowd cheers the game.]

Homer

Oh, I'm so hungry. Oh, why keep starving myself? No one cares!

[Homer spots a stray pretzel not too far from him. Desperately, he falls to his hands and knees and crawls toward the pretzel, only to stop when it gets stepped on by the foot of a ghostly figure.]

Homer

Who are you?

SCSpirit of César Chávez

The spirit of César Chávez.

Homer

Why do you look like César Romero?

SCSpirit of César Chávez

Because you don't know what César Chávez looks like.

Homer

Why are you here?

SCSpirit of César Chávez

To tell you not to give up.

Homer

Oh, but I wanna!

[From the main office, Howard K. Duff and his assistants watch Homer talking to thin air.]

A1Assistant 1

He's talking to himself, sir.

A2Assistant 2

And his smell is distracting the center fielder.

Howard K. Duff

Hmm, yeah, this is getting sad. Let's bring him in.

[The next morning, Homer is snoring when Duff's assistants unchain him and grab his arms]

A1Assistant 1

Okay, skinny, on your feet.

Homer

Huh? What's happening? Did I crush your evil plan?

Howard K. Duff

No, you're being replaced.

[The crowd boos as Homer is escorted away.]

AAnnouncer

And now, taking over for Hungry, Hungry Homer, let's welcome Paint-Drinking Pete!

[The eponymous Pete cheerfully walks onto the field and holds up a bucket of blue paint before downing it. As he falls to the ground, choking and spasming, the crowd cheers]

S12 Hungry, Hungry Homer

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Marge

It's been a whole week. Why are you letting my husband die? What does that have to do with baseball?

A1Assistant 1

Death is a natural part of baseball, ma'am.

A2Assistant 2

Oh yeah, the main part.

Howard K. Duff

Guys. Uh, we won't let anything happen to your husband, Mrs Simpson. He's in good hands.

Marge

[looking at Homer through a telescope] He's not moving!

[From Marge's POV, we see Homer lying on his back, eyes closed, mouth open. His white shirt is now stained greyed and frayed around the edges, and his pants are being held up by rope. Flies buzz around him.]

Howard K. Duff

He's probably just resting after all the moving he did before you got here. [Aside] Turn on the sprinklers.

[The sprinklers turn on, causing Homer to moan weakly and roll over onto his front]

Howard K. Duff

See? He's fine.

[Marge grumbles in frustration]

S12 Hungry, Hungry Homer

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Howard K. Duff

Well, Homer, your hunger strike lasted 12 amazing days.

Homer

Oh, me so hungy.

Howard K. Duff

Of course you are, Hungry Hungry Homer. So why not break your fast with our brand new Isotope Dog Supreme?

Homer

[Smells the hot dog]. Oh, so hard to resist. Mesquite-grilled onions, jalapeño relish... Wait a minute, those are South Western ingredients! [The crowd gasps]. Mango-lime salsa? That's the kind of bold flavour they enjoy in... [Grabs the microphone]. Albuquerque!

[The crowd gasps even more.]

LLenny

He's right.

MMoe

Yeah, and the wrapper says Albuquerque Isotopes

Sideshow Mel

Homer was right, they're planning to move the team!

[Everyone starts getting angry at Howard.]

Howard K. Duff

Now, now, see here, people. Let's not be too hasty.

Homer

Tell the truth! Come on, everybody!