Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

Carl

How did your date go, Moe?

Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

You gotta make me shorter doc.

Dr. Hibbert

[laughs] What do you mean?

I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.

Dr. Hibbert

What you're asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would perform that operation.

Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.

No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.

Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.

Largo

[screams] I look nothing like Julie Newmar!

Selma

I don't need a man, for I have England!

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Come on, come on, get back on your feet, I believe in you!

Barney

[climbing the bar from the tavern floor] I'm doing it Moe!

Not you.

Barney

Oh thank god! – the pressure's off. [falls back down]

A little tip... you might want to wash me before you eat me.

Barney

All right!

Carl

Yeah, you better!

Thank you.

I just have to warn you, Marge...

Marge

I could do worse!

We're proof that you could do worse!

Homer

She couldn't possibly do worse!

Oh, it's no good, you're just a load of spineless weasels!

Comic Book Guy

Kill the weasel hater!

[laughing as he runs] See, that's what I'm talking about!

How do you like LA?

It's a hell of a city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it off on the beach.

Coming up next on world of war. Hitler and Eva Braun: crazy in love.

Even you let me down Hitler.

Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn to pick up free escorts.

Chalmers

Well, we're not learning how to fold cloth napkins.

Ned Flanders

Well, I got excited for nothing.

Ooh, a text. Let's see. Text message for I.M.A. Wiener. As you can all can see, I.M.A. Wiener.

Barney

I see it, Moe.

"When I get a hold of you I..." Oh, Damn it! I typed an F and not a D... eh Delete, delete, delete... Oh Crap! I just sent donated $20 to Haiti!

Woah-woah-woah. No leaving until we all spook you on Edna's face. All right, pipe down back there, you'll get your chance.

Barney

Aw, come on Moe, quit hogging the Face.

[Shrieks] A troll!

Hey, I ain't a troll! Look, I bleed red, just like you! [He pokes a needle on his finger. Green blood leaked out of Moe's finger.] The first part is always green. It turns red!

And that's that. Another story in the classic infallible three-act structure. Good enough for Aristotle, good enough for The Simpsons.

Lisa

Mr. Szyslak, I have a feeling there's going to be one more act to this story.

Well I'm not hanging around for that. Pfftt. Four acts.

Never forget, you're all my little monsters.

Actually, I'm half monster, half Armenian. Pick your poison.