Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me, "hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?

Barney

No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

Homer

[drunk at Moe's] Here's to Marge! And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar!

Yeah, yeah, you got a wife, I got a rash! Who cares?!

No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.

Homer

Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe! You're a fabulous catch!

Oh yeah? Well how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?

Homer

Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. C'mon! We're going to the darkest bar in town!

[upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out] Well, that's it. It's over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe pinch-penny.

Homer

Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.

[beat] I need cash, and lots of it!

Homer

Why don't you sell your car?

Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.

Homer

Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Marge

[in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car.

Homer

I'll do it!

Hawaii here we come. Ananakooli, Makawani, Ana-ona, Nanawula Wa, Hawaii...ha

Homer

Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?

Stop saying Hawaii in there.

Homer! Thank God! You gotta help me!

Homer

[picks up a flaming 2x4] Oh I'll help you...help you die!

Barney

[emerging from the bathroom to see Homer and Moe unconscious] Moe! Homer! [screams as he sees the fire heading towards the counter] Aagh! The booze!

Oh, Homer! I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?

Homer

Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!

Homer

Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.

Barney

Where you going?

Homer

I've joined the Naval Reserve.

Barney

Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!

Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!

And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey, I'm in too.

Homer

Gee, thanks guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.

The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]

Didi mau! Didi mau! [as Krusty reaches for the gun, Moe interrupts]

I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.

Homer

I wanna register the booth for sanitation commissioner! And tell the fat cats upstairs, "Things are gonna change in this town!"

OK, but this is where you register as a sex offender.

Aw geez, there's always a line...

You're gonna need to come up with a slogan that'll appeal to all the lazy slobs out there.

Homer

Aww, can't someone else do it?

"Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect.

Homer

Really?

Principal Skinner

It's a vicious oviraptor. It feasts on bird eggs and lays its own eggs in the nest. The unsuspecting mother bird cares for them until the babies hatch, and... devour her too.

[laughs] What a chump!

Principal Skinner

It's already wiped out the dodo, the cuckoo, and the nene, and it has nasty plans for the booby, the titmouse, the woodcock, and the titpecker.

Hmm. Good lines, nice balance. Let's see how she handles. Ho-ho, oh, yeah. Tame it, baby. Yo, ring her up, dude.

[gasps] You cannot smoke in here. Please, the sign is clearly posted, sir.

[coughing] Oh, god. You smokers disgust me. Hey, 'pu, you got a breakfast cereal for people with syphilis?

Chief Wiggum

[to Snake] Hands up, scuzzbag! [Moe raises his hands] [to Moe] No, not you. The smoking scuzzbag.

[raises his hands, and flicks away cigarette] Oh, chill out, dude. I'll pay the fine.

Chief Wiggum

Not this time, you won't. This is your third strike. First, you torched that orphanage, then you blew up that bus full of nuns.

Hey, that was self-defense!

Chief Wiggum

Well, you'll be seeing lots of nuns where you're going, pal... Hell! Because the penalty for strike three is death.

You'll never make it stuck, dude.

Chief Wiggum

Will, too, 'cause this place is full of witnesses. Apu, that scuzzbag Moe...

I'm not going to forget this, dudes. I'm going to totally kill both of you.

Chief Wiggum

And, uh, don't forget Bart Simpson. He's a witness, too. Right, Barty?

You are so dead, little dude.

Bart Simpson

Thanks a lot, Chief.

Chief Wiggum

[laughs] You kids crack me up.

Ah, morning, Homer. You're looking unusually focused this morning.

Homer

[in Snake's voice] Shut your squeal-hole, booze jockey. I'm going to, like, totally waste you.

Well, somebody's a grumpy Gus. What's--

Homer

[in Snake's voice, pulling Moe's heart out] Yoink.

Ah, for cryin' out loud. [Groans and dies into the cereal bowl]

Kent Brockman

Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old Bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball.

Bart

Oh, my God! Everyone Snake swore revenge on is being murdered!

Marge

It's almost as if he's killing from beyond the grave.

Lisa

I told you capital punishment isn't a deterrent.

Bart

Don't you get it? He swore he'd kill me too. I'm next!

Homer

[puts his arm around Bart] Don't worry, I'll protect you. [in Snake's voice] Little dude. [normal voice] There. Now no murderers can get in. [in Snake's voice] Or out.

Bart

Dad?

Homer

You are so dead.

Bart

No!

Homer

Come here, you little...

[laughing] Stop it! You're killing me!

Bart

[screams] My school picture!

Homer

Daddy would like a word with you, Barty!

Bart

Help! Dad's trying to kill me!

Homer

It's hammer time, snitchy!

Bart

That's Snake's voice.

Lisa

Of course. The transplant. Somehow Snake's hair must be controlling...

Marge

Oh please, Lisa, everyone's already figured that out.

Bart

You've got to fight the hair, Dad.

Homer

But I look so youthful and hunky. [in Snake's voice] The kid's got to die. [normal voice] But I love my son. [in Snake's voice] More than a lush head of hair? [normal voice] Don't make me choose! [laughs in Snake's voice] [normal voice] No!

Homer

I love you, son.

Bart

I love you too, Dad. [screaming] Get off! Get it off! [muffled]

[gasps]

Homer

I'll show you, hair! [Homer punches Snake's hairpiece that's attacking Bart]

Bart

Ow! [turns red in furious] That's my face, you idiot!

Homer

Idiot? [turns red in anger] Why, you little... [Homer angrily strangles Bart, but two policeman burst into Bart's room]

Chief Wiggum

Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Szyslak and Apu Nahasa... pasa... Ah, just Moe. Just Moe.

Homer

It wasn't me. It was the hair.

Chief Wiggum

Freeze, hair ball! [after he and the other officers shoot and kill Snake's hair, Maggie picks the hair up and sucks her thumb] Now that's what I call a bad hair day! [everyone laughs].

Marge

May I remind you that two people are dead? Oh, wait. I just got it.

Chief Wiggum

It's funny. [everyone laughs] Bad hair day!

Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer, you're really brave to go through with this operation.

Homer

It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure.

No, no, no - making polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly life-threatening surgery here.

Homer

[worried] Really? You think It's dangerous?

Carl

Oh yeah, and even if you survive the operation--

Homer

Procedure! Deadly procedure.

Carl

Whatever; the point is, with only one kidney, you won't be able to drink yourself stupid no more.

Homer

Now you're just trying to scare me.

Plus, they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everyone who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after ya!

Homer

But I don't want that!

Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point here - can I have your buttocks? I mean, if you die. They look pretty comfortable.

Homer

Yeah, I guess...

Carl

And, uh, are those your original lips?

Homer

Well, actually I-- Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! [storms out of the bar]

[watching him leave] Oh yeah, that would look so good on me!