South Park quotes

Butters

PLEASE! Just go to Cartman's house. I think the answer might be within the-

Butters?! Who is that?!

Butters

[screaming]

Well, this looks like a lovely meal. Too bad Butters won't be enjoying it. [shouting to upstairs] You hear that, mister?! No dinner for you! While you're grounded, you can just go to bed hungry! [a thump is heard from upstairs; shouting again] And no bouncing a racquetball, either!

Ooooohhhhh, fuuuuuuck yooouuuuu!

No, no, no, no, no, no, do not fuck me because I am you and then we will be just fucking ourselves!

Kyle

So aside from all the bullcrap, why you think of the Oculus?

Stan

It's pretty cool, but the graphics suck.

Butters

[entering the room; hopping happily] Fellas, I'm not grounded anymore.

Cartman

What should we name him, Kenny? I know, how about McNuggets?

Stan

[to the girls' volleyball coach] Dude, girls volleyball isn't a joke; jokes are hard and require skill.

Stan

Hey, I'm sorry. I seriously had no idea you'd even played volleyball.

Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it, Stan? You don't pay attention to anything I talk about. Heather was right.

Stan

Who's Heather?

Wow. Really? [slams her locker shut and walks away]

Stan

Shit.

All right, guys, uh, Miley's about to finish up her set. So next we'll need you, Nicki Minaj, then Iggy Azalea, who will be performing with a hologram of Michael Jackson, and then finally you, Lorde. Have a great show, ladies!

Hey, uh, listen, I, I thought I could do this, but it's not gonna work.

You're nervous, it's understandable.

No, I'm eh… I know for a fact that I don't sound the same live.

You think those people out there care what you sound like? You're just another female pop star. Just go out there, pump your hips and rub your clit.

Hey! That's not what my music is about! I'm not reducing myself to that!

Oh, fuck you, Lorde! You think you're so much better than everyone!

No, I don't, Iggy. I just think that our younger girl fans need something a little more positive as role models.

That's easy for you to say because you don't have a nice body! Is that why you're so high and mighty, Lorde?! Because you're jealous of this booty?!

Iggs, I really don't care to go through this again with you.

'Cause let's face it! You got legs that look like a horse!

FUCK YOU!

Stan

Why'd you have to rub your clit on stage, Dad?

I was told to.

You were told to walk out in front of 100,000 people, including little girls who look up to you, and start rubbing your clit?

Okay, hold on. "A," I don't have a clit, so, technically, I wasn't rubbing anything. And "B," I didn't want to even perform tonight, but Stanley gave all our money to Canada through a freemium game, so if anyone rubbed their clit, it was him!

Stan

[annoyed] Pff. [gets up from his seat and leaves the dining room, and so does Sharon, leaving Randy by himself alone]

Oh, you're a hunter; what do you prey upon?

Nobody! That's ignorant!

Well, you must have a favorite kind of prey?

Allegedly! Allegedly! That's ignorant!

You know, excuse me for saying so, but... you seem kind of transparent.

That's ignorant, I'm just cold.

I'm saying, it must make it easier to sneak up on your prey.

Allegedly! I'm weary of this conversation, can we please stop talking? Please! Ignorant.

Eric, I've had a lot of complaints that your online persona is becoming a distraction.

Cartman

Well, this sucks. Looks like I'm in the principal's office for just commenting on things.

Eric, I am talking to you!

Cartman

Adults so don't get what's cool anymore.

I love children just as much as you do.

Allegedly! That was a civil suit and there was no evidence! It's ignorant.

[speaking into the microphone] Alright, parents and students, please take your seats. [Randy gleefully throws a crumpled up piece of paper at him] M'kay, m'kay. Now as you (all) know, there was an incident at the school last week involving a student referring to rape as a "Hot Cosby," m'kay? [several people laugh] Listen, listen! Principal Victoria has been fired.

What? Fired?

Cartman

Sweet, dude!

And a new person has been appointed to try and make South Park Elementary a more... progressive place that... fits in with today's times. Heh m'kay? So please welcome... PC Principal.

All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!

Oh, I was a lesbian then.

A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!

Butters

No, he got brainwashed by a cult.

And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.

Butters

What?!

Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?

Well, we got Tolkien. He's black.

And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.

Wha— I got detention?

I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!

Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!

What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!

Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father?

Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.

Wh-what's this about, Kyle?

Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke. Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds desk] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!

Wh-wh-what did he say?

You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero."

This kind of trans-phobic and bigoted hate speech isn't going to fly here, Bro! Well, I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind, AND THEN THIS SHIT COMES OUT OF PEOPLE'S MOUTHS!!

[beat] PC Principal, I-I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, a-and not trying to say anything against—

You got a problem, Mr. Broflovski?

..No...

Bruce Jenner? Oh. Wait a second. Wait a second! Cuz it's not Bruce Jenner!! IT'S CAITLYN!! AND SHE'S A FUCKING STUNNING WOMAN!! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH!? What's up? What's fucking up, bro?

Look, maybe we can all just ta—

[flips his desk] GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, DUDE!!!

Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.

Huh for what?

Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]

Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. She's a hero. She is stunning and brave.

Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.

Yup!

Yup, that's right.