“Probably” quotes from South Park

Cartman

I am saying this because we must be saved-ah. The Lord is powerful and he will smote the sinners and send them to everlasting hell-ah. If you do not live your life for Him-ah, then to the lake of fire you shall go-ah!

[approaches with parents behind the gathering] You see that, parents? Your children have refused to come into class since this morning. I'm afraid your son is the leader, Ms. Cartman.

Cartman

[meanwhile, in the background] Well, God is going to heal those eyes and save you from the devil begone-ah! O praise His name!

Apparently he's read the entire Bible, and now he's scaring the hell out of everyone.

Cartman

[in the background] But some of you believe in the power of God-ah! Do you believe he is going to cure your face of the uglies?

[to Eric] Poopikins, it's time to stop preaching damnation to everyone, sweetie!

Cartman

Many of you knew Kenny McCormick. He was a playful school-going 8-year-old. And then yesterday, HE WAS SMACKED DOWN BY THE LORD-AH! God bitch-slapped him right down to the fiery depths of hell-ah!

Kenny

[muffled by his parka] Where am I?

Que?

Kenny

[muffled] Where am I?!

Que?

Cartman

Friends, I have to tell you that last night I received a phone call from beyond the grave-ah.

Cartman

It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from the depths of Hell and he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said that in Hell, the smell is awful. He says that in Hell...everyone speaks Spanish!

Cartman

He said there is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah!

Cartman

And perhaps worst of all, in Hell there are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in them-ah!

Hey, wait a minute, I shouldn't be here! I was a complete and devout Protestant. I thought we got into Heaven!

Yes, well, I'm afraid you were wrong.

I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.

You picked the wrong religion as well.

Well, who was right? Who got into Heaven?

I'm afraid it was the Mormons...the Mormons were the correct answer.

[collective groan]

Satan!

Chris!

But I thought Saddam killed you?

Well, yeah, where was I going to go, Detroit?

[after hearing Satan's story] Jesus, what the heck happened to you?

Huh?

You got kicked out of here for being a headstrong rebel. And now you're a whiny little bitch.