“Mystery of the Urinal Deuce” quotes from South Park

Kyle

[after the conspiracy is blown] So who caused 9/11?

Stan

What do you mean? A bunch of pissed-off Muslims.

Yeah, what are you, retarded?

Cartman

Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?

Kyle

Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy is a retard!

Cartman

Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?!

Kyle

Yes, I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.

Stan

Yeah, at least one fourth.

Kyle

Let's take a test sample. [to Cartman] There's four of us. You're a retard. That's one fourth.

Kyle

Mr. President, my name is--

Shut up! You think we don't know your name? We know everything. We control everything. We've all worked very hard to keep our involvement in 9/11 a secret. But you just had to keep digging.

Kyle

Really?

You won't get away with it! People know!

People, you mean sheeple. We have the majority of them kept in blissful ignorance. Just one more leak to fix.

Wait, what are you doing?

You've been a thorn in our side for too long, I'm afraid.

No! You can't do this! Please! I'll stop, I'll take down the website!

Too late.

Stan

JESUS CHRIST!

Ha ha ha, he died like a pig.

Some pigs never learn.

Kyle

No way.

Stan

He was right, you did cause 9/11!

Yes, quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted in the base of the towers, then on 9/11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked, when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania, then flew two military jets into the World Trade Centers filled with more explosives then shot all the witnesses of flight 93 with an F15 after blowing up the Pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed plan, ever, ever.

Kyle

Really?!

Now you might all think I've given up finding out who crapped in the urinal, m'kay? And maybe, maybe you think it's a victimless crime. [walks up to the school janitor, who's a Latino] This is Mr. Venezuela, the school janitor, m'kay? He's the person who has to clean up when some trickster drops a dook in the wrong toilet! Mr. Venezuela makes six bucks an hour at best, m'kay? He's got three kids at home, he's got a car that barely works, he's gotta clean up puke with sawdust, m'kay? Then he walks into the boys' room and sees a big meaty chud staring him in the face! So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on Mr. Venezuela's head! [the boys laugh] Oh, you think it's funny, huh?!

You don't understand! The government controls everything! The media, the corporations, they have the power to do anything they want. Here look, read the labels. Go on, read them.

Kyle

"Code 234."

We think they came from a government office.

Kyle

What is it?

It's anthrax.

This is too big a mystery for me, I think we better call in the Hardly Boys!

Oh no, not the goddamn...m'kay.

The Hardly Boys: two young whippersnappers with a taste for solving mysteries. The Hardly Boys in: The Case of the World Trade Center Conspiracy.

Why, Clyde? Why did you do it?

I dunno. [looks away]

You got a whole school here, Clyde, m'kay? You got over three hundred people that need to use the boys' room, and you decide you're gonna be a comedian, m'kay, and pinch one off in the urinal, and leave it laying there for everyone to have to look at! [Clyde struggles to contain his laughter] M'kay, m'kay, you think it's funny, but nobody else does! They gotta walk in that bathroom and see your rancid dook propped up against the back of the urinal like a brown ragdoll! [Clyde bursts out laughing]

Mr. Mackey, Clyde's parents are here.

M'kay, that's good! [to Clyde] Let's see what your mom and dad have to say about your little poop-scapade! [Roger and Betsy appear and enter his office] Come on in, please. I'm just trying to get your son to explain why he would drop a dookie in the urinal!

Attention students. Apparently Clyde could not have been the one who crapped in the urinal, because Clyde had a colostomy at age five, m'kay? Now whoever did this unspeakable act is still at large. The boys' bathroom is closed until further notice. 'Cause one of you thought it would be a good idea...to pull down your pants, m'kay... [cut to the hall; all the students there are listening] ...hover your butt cheeks over the urinal... and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog, m'kay? [the students laugh] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! [cut back to Mr. Mackey] Let me assure you, there is nothing funny...about going up to a nice, clean, unsuspecting urinal... [cut to the gym; the students there have stopped practicing basketball to listen] ...m'kay, dropping your pants and then...turning around...squatting over that urinal...m'kay, maybe, maybe pulling your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay...and then laying out a big fudge dragon for all the world to see. [the gym students laugh] Oh yeah, that's REAL funny! [cut back to Mr. Mackey as he slams the mic down in anger] I'm gonna catch this son of a bitch if it's the last thing I do, m'kay?!

When you dook in the urinal, it's bad, m'kay? How would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face? [Stan laughs] Oh, you think that's funny, huh?! Yeah, that's REAL funny!