South Park · Season 7, Episode 3
“Toilet Paper” · Season 7, Episode 3
In this episode: Josh (4), Eric Cartman (3), Kyle Broflovski (3), Officer Barbrady (3), Stan Marsh (2), Butters Stotch (1), Stephen Stotch (1), Linda Stotch (1)
You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.
Oh yeah, that's right.
Toilet paper, toilet paper...
You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?
No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.
Oh...ewww!
[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]
Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]
Cartman!
Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]
You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] What are you waiting for?! Do it!
[Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]
Cartman, what're you doing?
I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.
Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?
Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!
Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?
[in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.
Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?
I don't have time for this, kid.
Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?
All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]
[in a normal voice, but disturbed] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.
[annoyed] Well, well, well, I had to see it to believe it.
Hi, Dad.
Don't you "Hi, Dad" me! Look at you! Standing behind prison bars, again!
Yeah.
What fibs have you been telling this policeman, Butters? You know damn well you didn't toilet paper that house.
Huh?
Butters was with us all night, Officer Barbrady.
Butters, what have we told you about confessing to crimes you didn't commit? We have had it, mister!
Well, he kept accusing me for hours, and then he shot me up with Sodium Pentothal.
And that's your excuse?
Looks like I made a mistake. I guess I'd better let you out now. [lets Butters out of the cell]
Just wait till we get you home, you little fibber!
Will you people stop barging into my office, please?
What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?
You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.
Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.
I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?
Yes, dude!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
